Hello! I’m of average height. My clothing is generally unremarkable. My ability to carry objects is middling.
… yeah, I realize this is an unusual way to greet you. I do that sometimes. So I suppose not everything about me is average.
But, statistically speaking, I have to admit that I am mostly average. I’m not being harsh on myself. It’s just how averages work. By definition, most people are near the middle by most measures.
This doesn’t prevent us from being marvellously unique and delightfully weird individuals, but it is true that there will always be many ways in which we don’t stand out. Most of these—like my height, clothing and ability to carry objects—don’t bother me at all. But sometimes my perceived mediocrity bothers me. I get frustrated that I spend most of my days unremarkably. Sometimes, I wish I were more wealthy or successful. I wish I had the house of my dreams. Rightly or wrongly, I can’t help but resent my averagenesses. (Yes, that’s a word!)
I’m often painfully aware of this when I meet other multipods. My life seems small and gray next to their huge, colourful achievements. (Oddly enough, the fact they occasionally feel the same about me doesn’t seem to make much difference.)
Sometimes, I don’t even have to meet anyone—merely thinking about other multipotentialites can make me feel low. Thanks to the availability heuristic—the mental shortcut of assuming the examples that come to mind first are normal for whatever we’re thinking about—I feel like a bad multipotentialite whenever I read about world-changing superheroes like Stacey Abrams or Galileo.
Then I remember the sheer number of people that exist. How can I possibly stand out from seven billion people? It’s impossible!
Maybe I just need to accept that mediocrity is inevitable. After all, anything else would be picking a fight with mathematics itself. So this begs the question: does being average—or feeling average—have to hurt? Perhaps not. Maybe if I fully accept that I’m average in many ways, and that’s oka—
—Wait! No! Everybody should be above average!
A few years ago the UK Education Secretary was widely mocked after he claimed that every school should be above average. I’m sure you can immediately spot the flaw: as each school improves, the average shifts upwards. It’s impossible for every school to be above average.
His specific mistake was setting a relative goal—“every school should be better than all the others”—rather than an absolute goal, such as “every child must be able to pass this exam”.
I’m guilty of participating in a version of this error myself. I look at others who I perceive to be “ahead” of me in one way or another, and I feel like I should be racing to catch up or exceed them. I’m unconsciously setting relative goals through my desire to be ahead of others.
This might seem fine, or even noble. Everyone should strive to improve their situation, right? And we should celebrate when humans raise the bar for what we can achieve. The average Olympic athlete today is far ahead of the best athletes from a century ago. Similarly, our lives today are in some ways more luxurious than that of the average medieval king.
But the problem with this focus on improvement is that when everyone sets goals relative to everyone else, we create an unstable situation.
To take an obvious example, it’s impossible for everyone to be the world’s richest person. Only one person can succeed at this goal. And there are many goals like it—goals that, technically, anyone could achieve, but that would be impossible for everyone to achieve.In other words, we can’t all be above average in any area of life. Again, that’s not an attack. It’s just how averages work.
Embrace mediocrity
For the last year I’ve regularly thought about an article entitled What If All I Want Is A Mediocre Life? by Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui. It’s really worth a read, but, in short, Krista shares her feelings about what she calls her “mediocre life” with refreshing honesty. She explores how she accepts mediocrity, and grounds this acceptance in everyday examples:
What if her marriage is just good enough, and her home is clean enough and her body is mostly looked after and her career isn’t especially successful? What if her life is just average, and she’s happy with that?
This acceptance is part of a recipe for contentment on an individual level, a means of growing a life that we can personally be happy with. But it also helps to address the problem of ever-increasing relative goals on a societal level.
A world where everybody’s goal is to be better, wealthier, more famous and more successful is doomed to unhappiness. Just as schools improving raises the average, these relative goals push the bar higher and higher, so fewer and fewer people are able to be happy as long as their happiness is tethered to these metrics.
If we want to build a world where everybody can be happy, then it has to be based on absolute goals such as “I have enough for me,” rather than relative goals such as “I have more than everyone I know.” (Of course, in this better world we’d also need to make it possible for everybody to have enough… but I’m not sure I can solve all of society’s problems in a single blog post. Another couple of posts ought to do it, though!)
Comparison shouldn’t matter, but it does
From the standpoint of somebody who’s used to dreaming of being ahead of others, switching to an absolute goal like “I just want enough” sounds like giving up. But it isn’t. It’s arguably the only way to be sustainably happy—and it’s definitely the only way we can all be sustainably happy.
Just as we can set absolute targets for schools to reach, we can still have concrete ambitions for our own lives. We just need to break the habit of allowing those ambitions to involve comparison to other people.
Sadly, while it’s easy to recognize that comparison is a trap, it’s almost impossible to stop doing it. Advice about breaking the comparison habit is difficult for me because it mostly boils down to “don’t do that,” so I found this forum post by a new-ish member of the Puttyverse helpful:
When I read about what most people here are doing and how fast, I was intimidated. But now I believe that there just are different species of multipods, some like hummingbirds, beautifully glittering and whizzing from blossom to blossom, whereas I am more of a brown bear, who can be quite content at a place as long as there is some interesting honey around – but once the bear gets going, it will cover some miles and mountains to discover new places.
You may not relate exactly to this analogy, but the point is that we can all find our own unique way to accept ourselves and our place amongst our peers. We don’t all have to be hummingbirds, and we don’t have to all be bears. It’s okay to embrace who we are, even if that’s—in Krista’s words—“mediocre”.
Embracing mediocrity means recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with not being a world-changing superhero like Stacey Abrams. It’s fine to have gentle dreams and to build a happy life, however average it may appear from the outside.
In the past, I’ve reacted angrily to this idea. I suppose when I’m putting lots of effort into fighting to be ahead, it’s threatening to imagine that I might just…not have to do that.
But “mediocre” dreams are even superior to grand ones, in some ways. For one thing, they’re achievable. And it’s tiring to constantly have huge standards, particularly when those standards are above what you might expect from others.
Whether you feel like a whizzy hummingbird, a chilled-out bear, or some animal in-between, I hope you can embrace the parts of you that are averagely mediocre and enjoy some gentle goals. Aim high, but be happy with enough.
It’s the best way for all of us, mathematically speaking.
Your turn
Do you embrace your own averageness? Can you celebrate your mediocrity? Have you learned to set absolute goals rather than needing to be better than others? Share your story with the community in the comments.
I have always known I was a multipod, highly gifted and highly intelligent. Yet I have always been surrounded by people trying to put me in a box too small for me, keeping me from growing, flying, achieving. Telling me I’m nothing special. Telling me to lower my standards and ambitions. Telling me I’m not an eagle. But I am. And my wings hurt.
Thank you so much for writing this Neil! I remember when I first joined Puttyverse, I was so excited because I thought it would be a lot of people like me who never really excelled at any one thing, but did pretty well at a lot of things. I even wrote about it in an affirmation on my website (https://www.consciousspiraling.com/post/i-embrace-every-little-thing-about-myself-because-it-all-adds-up-to-make-me-the-incomparable-one-of). But, then I was instantly overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy when I learned that most of the people on the verse seem to EXCEL at a LOT of things! And, BTW, I am counting you among them now, after reading a little bit about you. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles with this, though and I found your article really helpful … and fun to read too! It might just make me jump back on the verse, which I think I’ve been avoiding for those reasons… Thank you!
Thanks, Nancy! I’m really pleased that the article helped you melt away some of that avoidance. You’re definitely not alone with what you describe… I sometimes wonder if the Puttyverse has one of the highest concentrations of Impostor Syndrome on the planet – so many talented people all making each other feel inadequate! But, as you say, it’s all unnecessary – doing pretty well at lots of things is perfectly admirable. Even being bad at many things is fine, too – it’s all about setting our own goals and supporting each other to achieve them 🙂
As I usually do when reading a Puttylike article, I feel immense gratitude and relief to know that someone else is out there struggling with these ideas. Since I was a teenager, this feeling of “I need to be doing MORE” has seeped into my life and haunts me still. As I entered my 30’s, I realized that my concept of being “successful” was based on images of “being famous” and I began to re-evaluate what it really means for my life. Reframing “successful” as “having enough to live” or “I am enough right now!” is incredibly healing. It also opens up space for possibilities I didn’t dream of when I was bent on fame in one area of my life (which is a strange bent for a multi-pod I now know).
There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed when on a hike in a group, or even just with one other person: When I am walking behind someone, I have a tendency to walk slower and lag behind. Sometimes I start to feel frustrated, like the person is leaving me behind. When I am walking in front, I walk faster and feel more free, less frustrated. Perhaps this phenomenon is limited to myself. Maybe I tend to compare myself to others too much and read too deeply into another’s actions as they relate to me.
But I know that when I take a deep breath and remind myself to worry less about the other person and go my own pace – to take care of myself as needed – I can relax and it doesn’t matter if I’m behind or in front. Maybe this metaphor will make sense to someone else!
Thanks Neil, for another great article!
I love this Liz. “I am enough now!” Yes. I think the key is in being versus aiming. Because if we’re still aiming we never can actually feel as if we are the person we want to be. And you absolutely are enough now. Though, I have to admit, I’m still learning this myself and still catch myself aiming to be someone other than who I am now. Learning this concept seemed like such an epiphany at first, but then implementing it into the present moment (rather than in some future, imaginary version of me) has been a slow process for me. I have to constantly remind myself to be present instead of in my head.
I do really relate to the metaphor of walking behind vs in front of someone. That’s a super interesting way to look at the comparison trap many of us find ourselves in. And you’re right, I think, about the key to getting out of that comparison trap. We have to let go of the story we tell ourselves about where we should be and fully accept where we are now.
I think it was Yogi Berra who said (paraphrasing here) Yeah you’re different, just like everybody else. I can’t find the quote now so it may be someone else who said that… but that’s the idea that came to mind while I was reading Neil’s original post.
Thanks, Neil, for always instigating such interesting conversations. I do love this blog and the thoughtful community surrounding it.
I like the (possible) Yogi Berra quote – thanks Rebekah! It reminded me of this scene from Monty Python “you’re all individuals!” ?
I also love the idea of being versus aiming. As you say, it’s easy to have as an epiphany, but hard to integrate into actual daily life. I think it seeps in over time and makes a slow difference – those constant reminders to be present really add up.
Always good to see you again, Liz! Very interesting thoughts, too. I’ve never wanted to be famous (I actively don’t want it, in fact, which often leads to self-sabotage, which is a whole other set of problems..!) but I feel the same drive you describe in other areas.
Ha, that’s super interesting about subconscious competitiveness even while walking with people! I definitely used to do the same (I remember as a kid I would mentally race other cars along the motorway, even though I wasn’t driving!), but I don’t know if I do this anymore. I think I’ve tried to judge myself less by external criteria in recent years and perhaps that habit is infusing other areas. So the metaphor totally makes sense!
I think I do the same while hiking. Sometimes the group splits a bit into two groups, one faster and the slower, and if I’m in the slower group I feel better once the faster group is farther ahead than a few meters, because then I stop comparing myself to them and just enjoy the hike with my fellow slower hiking partners.
Thanks for writing about that, it’s a super interesting and true analogy!
I like your metaphor and find that I always allow others to take the lead in group hikes but don’t necessarily like it. I am happier hiking without any ‘competition’, distractions and small talk but I feel it goes deeper than that too. The constant sizing up and comparing I do really annoys me but I can’t seem to shut it off. Deep breaths and reminders about enjoying nature only last for a short time. Practicing presence needs practice!
I get you, and I also get how difficult it is to tell yourself this and feel that ‘rubber band’ inside between slow down and enjoy normal life and ‘do everything’. I’ve been pushing myself lately – I’ve called it ‘holding back the velociraptors’ on my artist page…the doubts, the decisions that bring anxiety whether you make them or not, the frustration, the certainty of being one creature in time and space and wanting to be everything and nothing at once. What I’ve been pushing myself to, besides away from velociraptors, is to do SOMETHING. When I feel this way, it is because I want to do something and those anxieties are telling me ‘there isn’t enough time for that – you can’t build Rome in an hour’, or ‘it’ll never be good enough, why start now.. procrastinate some more..’, or ‘but I really don’t have the best materials for that so why should I try with what I have.’ There’s always some reason to sit there staring at the monster teeth and saying ‘I don’t HAVE to, and if I do.. ‘… what? There are so many things, peer pressure, rejection, ‘wasting’ time and materials and ‘space’… but there is the other thing. You won’t have done it. Whatever your urge was to do the thing – that part of you that wants to fly – you’re holding it down, like Maria said below.. my wings hurt. That is so descriptive, so poignant. My wings have been hurting all my life, and I just keep telling them they aren’t there, because as long as they stay invisible I don’t have to deal with them. But even invisible, I trip over them, and they hurt, and I am this bird that wants to do this thing. So, now, when I feel it.. if I possibly can even a little bit, of art, writing, creation.. I say ‘Well why not? What velociraptor am I actually fighting and why?’ … miss the group… still deepthinking, and always tune in to your posts when Emilie mails.
I love the image of ‘holding back the velociraptors!’ Although it does make it sound very difficult and intimidating to actually do! 😀 I suppose that leads to your final thought of “what velociraptor am I actually fighting and why?” – sometimes the consequences for not fighting aren’t what we imagine. After all, there aren’t actually any velociraptors..! Thanks so much for sharing this, Marie!
Spot on again, Nail!
Competition never made sense and always felt unfair to me, even when I was (one of) the winner(s).
Exactly! Co-operation beats competition in the long run.
Hi everybody!
First time in a while that I’ve read one of the blog posts linked in the newsletter. I always wanted to, but, well, maybe one could say that at the same time I wanted to avoid feeling mediocre after reading the posts. Lately I’ve thought a lot about what the Sorting Hat said: ‘There’s talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself.’ and I’ve recognised myself in these words. So what I ask is: is not-wanting-to-be-mediocre and the-thirst-to-prove-oneself the same thing and if yes, whom do we want to prove ourselves to?
A girlfriend has recently brought my highly gifted self down to earth again when she said that I am not a genius. ‘I don’t mean to say that you are not smart -‘ she added. Hurt a little, but felt good at the same time. I have noticed that being human is much more comfortable than being a godlike creature of ideas and achievements. Being comfortable doesn’t kick my ass, both in a good and bad way. Should I go back to the age-old description of multipods? – I am pretty much mediocre in a lot of things I do, but I’m way above average in how many things I am mediocre at!
Truthfully, in the end I will probably be both things at the same time: mediocre and above average (which makes me above average overall…); just another human and the one who inhabits this very special body at this very special time in the world.
I feel like I got off topic. Anyway. I want to thank you for this article: it feels good remembering that I am a very average multipod.
Lots of love from outside-the-puttyverse in Vienna!
Vero
I really appreciate your story, Vero! I’m sure many can relate – I certainly can. It’s odd, of course I know I’m not literally Einstein but if somebody said that to me then I’d probably be slightly hurt too. Very irrational! But there’s nothing wrong with not being Einstein, andm like you say, “being above average in many things you’re mediocre at” is actually pretty impressive 😀
I appreciate your not-really-off-topic thoughts, so thank you, and I’m glad the post helped you to celebrate yourself! See you again 🙂
As evidenced by crowdsourcing and crowdsolving, citizen science, and even Hayek’s “Use of Knowledge in Society” (e.g. the local prices example) everyone has experiences and perspectives unique enough to make a difference, sometimes even incredible breakthroughs. Also, we should try to avoid societal comparisons to evaluate worth. On a spiritual, religious or as witnessed by Near Death Experiencers, every person is treasured, priceless and contributing to love, wisdom and knowledge. “Sometimes it’s the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine” – from the movie “The Imitation Game”.
Couldn’t agree more – everybody has a unique contribution, and judging ourselves by the same benchmarks of fame, fortune, whatever hides that. (Reminds me of the discussion here recently about originality.) Thanks John!
There’s a Japanese proverb that, “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.” The idea that we all need to stand out and be uniquely above average is not a universal concept. Being successful in outward achievements is very much an individualistic ideal, and there are plenty of collectivistic cultures who don’t share that belief. Besides, is being better than other people the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Go ahead and pursue excellence. But if the pursuit of excellence is making you feel worse about yourself, maybe it’s time to reconsider what you find important.
How interesting, thanks Paco! I definitely like the idea of celebrating the good of all and the good of the collective. I know some people worry that this means worse outcomes for the individual, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true! As you say, individualistic assumptions are baked into the dominant culture here.
And yes! Being better than others is surely NOT the ultimate answer to everything.
And yes again to your final paragraph! I just love your comment so much I want to print it on a t-shirt and make everybody read it regularly ?
“Then I remember the sheer number of people that exist. How can I possibly stand out from seven billion people? It’s impossible!”
I’ve been thinking exactly the same thing. The more people there are in the world, the harder it is to stand out. Centuries ago, people didn’t have to do much to stand out as there weren’t very many people in the world, so someone with the slightest talent stood out e.g. being extra strong. Now, to stand out, people have to do something outstanding, more and more and more.
Absolutely! I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think the only sensible conclusion is to learn to enjoy our lives – whether we stand out massively or not.
I have been thinking about this so often and came to the same conclusion myself! Back in January I actually wrote in my journal “Not everyone has to be extraordinary. How can my averageness contribute positively today?” Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I love that reframing, Kayley! Did you find any answers that stuck with you?
Thankyou Neil – this was such a great read and resonated so strongly, as did a lot of the comments. I think “we can’t all be above average” will be my mantra going forward.
Yay, I’m excited that you’re adopting a new mantra! Thanks Danielle, I’m really happy the post spoke to you 🙂
I know what you mean… With an IQ in the very top percentiles, I often feel that I should be contributing so much more to this world than the average life I’ve been leading so far. I’m well aware that I am making a difference in the lives of the people around me, but still…? It’s not like someone with a more average intelligence couldn’t do my job. So why am I here, “wasting” my skills when I could (perhaps) be saving the world? I’ll see if that article on mediocrity you gave us might provide some answers…
This I thought very deep by the way:
“A world where everybody’s goal is to be better, wealthier, more famous and more successful is doomed to unhappiness. Just as schools improving raises the average, these relative goals push the bar higher and higher, so fewer and fewer people are able to be happy as long as their happiness is tethered to these metrics.”
Continue like this, and you’ll be known by future scholars as one of the leading philosophers of this era! (And I’d love to read what you have to propose to fix *all* of society’s problems! 😉
hahaha, I’ve never been compared to a leading philosopher before, but I’ll take it 😀
Neil Hughes, thank you so much for this post. I feel we often push, or feel pressure to over-achieve when mediocrity is actually all that is needed, and can be quite satisfying…but then that urge/need/trained action(?) to compare comes in and so does the self-doubt. I often feel intimidated by the puttyverse for the reasons you state- everyone seems to be doing so much! I often don’t have multiple projects on the go, because while they may come up in my head and I had fun thinking up the idea, I actually have no intention of acting on them and am usually okay with that, but then think, wait- maybe I am supposed to act on these? What if I’m content as long as I have some level of variety needed for someone who still considers herself to be a scanner/multipod? I think it’s important, as you (and the member who provided the hummingbird/bear scenario) have highlighted, that we remember we multipods are diverse and so are our aims in life. So for those quiet multipod bears out there, let’s embrace our mediocrity and shine through when we need to (like when we suddenly switch from eating berries to finding that honey hive).
I find that as a multipotentialite I am at a disadvantage compared to specialists when it comes to measurable achievements in one field. I’m probably never going to direct as successful a film as someone who does only that, I’m not a very good veterinarian anymore because I only practice part time, and I’m probably not going to write a book as good as someone who actually studies literature in college. So whenever jealousy hits, I remind myself that I’m doing different things and enjoy them, and I keep my expectations reasonable.
This is legitimately the perfect article. But by writing this, I am clearly missing the point!
I do have to say, Neil, that it is the greatest irony (Alanis Morissette-style) that you have achieved perfection in an article…while writing about embracing mediocrity.
And that’s what’s so brilliant (or can I *at least* say above average?) about you!
Thank you for this. I am going to be mindful about when I feel compelled to react angrily to a gentle plea (either internally or externally) to consider the benefits of resting in my averageness (which as we have discussed, is a word). You’ve convinced me that it might just be a pretty delightful path to building a happy life, which is really what I’m after in the end.
I think the point is not to compare to others, just with your self. Trying to beat your self everyday will make you a better version of yourself, and I think that is what really matters. Be the best version of yourself you can should be our goal. This would allow you to continue growing and at the same time not think that you are average, because you are developing your potential.
Thanks so much for sharing! I can really relate and I could have written this blog ;). I am in the process of accepting my mediocrity. I dislike the fact that everybody on YouTube or Instagram is amazing and incredible. I feel like I have to keep up. But I also wonder: how much energy does this cost? Aren’t we just keeping each other busy in some mad race? What if you just stop and just do what you love, why is that not good enough? I compare myself a lot with others. need to be slimmer, need to have a better job, need to be better at drawing etc etc. But I don’t want to do that anymore, I am doing okay, I am doing good, I can be happy with what I have!
Neil, I agree with Maryske about your excellent philosophizing, and because it’s a full moon I’ll go a step further and say that philosophy looks really good on you! 🙂 Meaning the level of thoughtfulness and compassion in your writing is really appealing. Keep up the splendid work! 🙂
Interesting toughts. I guess synchronicity is working it’s magic because this is what I have been thinking about this week.
I think what you are also referring to here is letting go of the ego. The voice in you head who wants you to be better. Better than the people around you and better than you were yesterday. But at the same time it’s telling you that the you right now is not good enough.
Mental hurt is in that space between reality and your own mental expectations of life.
Why do we expect things from life? Who are we to expect anyting from the universe itself? We are not entiteled to anything. Life, the universe, everything just is.
And when you feel that inside of yourself you let go of the I and the expectations. You are left with living the life that you have at this second in time. And the hurting goes away.
Whole brain living is an interesting read by someone more articulate than me.