Today I’m going to attempt to answer a question I get asked pretty often:
Does our need for variety, our yearning to explore new things, and the boredom we feel once we’ve “gotten what we came for” in our projects extend to our relationships?
I’m getting married in 10 days, so I thought this would be good time to tackle this particular question.
My short answer is no. or rather, this has not been my experience. And here’s why: People are not constants.
We probably all have a baseline personality and some core values that will always be there. But over the course of our lives, we become interested in new things and try on different identities (this is especially true of multipotentialites). New layers get added to our personalities and our world view becomes more complex and nuanced as we grow.
Being in a partnership means accepting that you will both change. It means being a supportive force in your partner’s growth, even if that growth takes them in directions that are foreign to you.
My life is actually way more exciting because Valerie pushes me to try new things and get out of my comfort zone. To use a career analogy, I see a monogamous, longterm relationship a bit like a Group Hug career. There’s plenty of fun, variety, and novelty involved, as well as ample opportunities to learn.
And yet, sometimes things do get routine or stale.
Drawing again from the work models, even people using the Group Hug approach have outside interests and hobbies that aren’t a part of their professional work.
This just speaks to the fact that our partners (and our careers) can’t be everything to us. We need friends and activities outside of the relationship.
We also sometimes need to mix things up in our relationships. From time to time, we might choose to break out of our routines and do something new together. Relationships take work, and sometimes that means getting a little creative.
I also can’t deny the fact that for some people, a monogamous relationship with our own friends and interests on the side, doesn’t provide enough adventure and variety. Some people choose to have non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships, and that’s totally another way to do it.
But do I think that it’s possible for a multipotentialite to be in a happy, committed, longterm relationship? Yes, I do. Or at least I hope so!
August 20 is the date. I wish I could invite you all, but there just isn’t space in our friends’ backyard!
In any case. I’m excited.
Your Turn
Does your multipotentiality extend to your romantic relationships? Do you ever get “bored,” the way you might with a project or field you’ve outgrown?
Absolutely possible!
My piece of advice is just be sure that your partner is aware that your multipotentiality is a constant and that they accept it….basically, that they won’t think hope and bet on the fact that you will grow out of it 🙂
Congratulations by the way!!!!!!
I think you are right on. Also, I consider myself a multipotentialite, but I am also a very loyal person, so I’m not really worried about getting tired of my partner. I’m also an extrovert, so I don’t really get “bored” with people.
I’ve only been married (almost) two years, but what you say about mixing it up is totally true, it’s so important (ESPECIALLY after kids! I just had a baby a few months ago and our lives are so incredibly routine now- it’s harder than ever but more important than ever to mix it up every now and then).
Mazel tov and best wishes for your wonderful day! May it be the first day of a wonderful, fulfilling, supportive, loving marriage.
Yes. I do get bored. But I agree with you, my partner is not the same person every year. She changes as I change. And that helps especially if you’re with the right person. On a lighter note, I just thought maybe marriage is a multipotentialite’s kryptonite 🙂 He stops jumping from one “interest” to another? 😀
Congrats!
Congratulations! I hope you and Valerie share an exciting and fulfilling life journey together.
I have been married to the same person for 36 years next month. We dated for 5 years before that! Like all long-term relationships, we have our ups and downs. We have weathered sadness and loss. We have celebrated joy and discovery. Adversity and adventure brings us together; it doesn’t pull us apart. We have different interests, friends, and careers, but that gives each of us space to learn and grow in different environments. We both bring that back to our marriage so we get to share even more interesting and diverse experiences. I know more about molecular and cellular biology than any art major I know. My scientist spouse knows more about Art Nouveau and instructional design than anybody in his lab.
Live long and prosper!
For myself, I would disagree. I’m not sure how long you’ve been in your relationship with Valerie so far (and congrats on the wedding) but I have found that I do indeed get bored in relationships. I haven’t been married (at nearly 55 years of age) and have been in relationships that lasted 4 years, 6 years, and another one that lasted 6 years. But I’m glad you raised this question because I have thought of it and wanted to ask though some of the Scanner / Renaissance / Multipod groups online. I had never seen anyone bring it up before. Glad you did. It may be that the men I’ve been with in the past are not multipods and stick with the same interests – in fact, I’m thinking back and it seems like they did have a few interests and I’m not sure that I would say they grew much (maybe in their career). And, I couldn’t get them interested in new things I would be interested, I.e. new ideas through books I’m reading, or volunteering, or taking dance classes, or going to lectures, etc. They don’t seem boring at first in the relationship (it’s exciting in the beginning) but with time (usually around 2 years, sometimes earlier though) I find myself bored with the daily, mundane relationship stuff. I like the excitement of the beginning but don’t like the boredom of the long-term, day-in and day-out mundane relationship stuff. I’d love to hear what others think. How long is the longest you’ve been able to stay in one relationship and not get bored?
I have just found this info about being a multipotentialite…. Its totally me. My longest relationship is 3 years and I’m 39yo. I get incredibly bored after the initial lovey stuff has worn away. Maybe I’ve just not met the right man. My longest job is about 3 years too. It’s incredibly stressful because people think I’m wild and can’t understand me, I’m not wild I just get bored…. So thankful I’ve found this website x
Ugh I love this! I am polyamorous but was happily monogamous for a long time. I think even when they are polyamorous, the key to being happy in a long term committed relationship is exactly what you are saying – realizing that people are not static. Find someone you can grow with, that you want to experiment with, and it’s just the best.
I thought about this a lot when I was first coming to grips with my bisexuality, too. Like, I had all these things I wanted to explore – different types of sex, different gender dynamics. Since my (then monogamous) partner was also exploring her sexuality – and her gender – we managed to explore a staggering variety of dynamics with just two people. I think about this whenever people are concerned that bisexual people will never be happy with ‘just one gender’.
All this is to say: people are really complex and awesome in their multipotentiality!
Congratulations on your wedding, and here’s to many happy years!!
First: congratulations! Lots of happiness and adventures to you both!
Personally I think it’s even more important that multipotentialite that want to commit to a long term relationship don’t do it before they are sure of their compatibility with the other person.
Did you know the person long enough to know what they are about? Do you have some sense of where “personal growth” is on their priority list? Are they a person you saw change and grow or have they mostly been the same since you met them?
I had plenty of partners that paid a lot of lip service about personal growth but the actual work was not really in their priorities and I found that to be incompatible with me. I am most compatible with someone who want to grow and put in the work. Someone who has a pace of growth that is fast enough (doesn’t need to be extreme but a good pace) and challenging me to explore part of me that I might not have looked into before they began poking it themselves.
My experience is that as multipotentialite we often think everyone change all the time but in reality plenty of people dislike and are even afraid of change and rather live exactly the same life day after day. They might hate that life, they might say they want to change it, but it’s still much more comfortable then facing the fear of change. That’s not everyone but it’s better to be aware of it because some of those people seem to be really magnetized by the ever changing multipotentialite but can end up trying to slow them down or even stop them once they live together.
That’s just my 2 cents! Much happiness to all the loving people out there!
Ryphna
Congrats, Em!!!!
I very much agree with the statement about people not wanting to change and living the same life day after day. I think this is what we tend to find boring and move on. Does our partner stimulate us to think and bring out our best? Do they encourage us or just sit and watch? Do they fully interact with us on a regular basis? Can they truly interact with us?! or are they not even close the the same wave length? As Ryphna said, have we known them long enough to know that they’re really about? The right person will be a long-term fit … the wrong person will give us opportunity for growth and discovery but leave us wanting more out of the relationship.
Congrationlations Em! Happy for you, and very happy to read your text which do address some of my fears and longings regarding having intimate and longterm relationships, as well as touching on the subject of polyamori. This text and the comments above really helps in getting a sense of understanding for myself. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Growth is important. Change necessary. Commitment the only way to have an intimate relationship and sometimes when you are not aligned in the pace you want to grow and change then the relationship must evidently change. This does not necessarily mean your commitment changes? Or the connection to that person is broken or cut off? It just mean you grew out of the way your relationship was and had to renegotiate the terms of it. It’s my firm beliefe that it can still be for life and nurture some sides of your being.
For me, marriage was a huge mistake. Little did I realize how powerful was the past in filtering out my ability to make healthy choices in relationships. Some deep-down deficiencies didn’t surface until I committed. Beforehand, I saw things as I wanted to see them, though, and thought she was ‘the one’ for me.
Turns out, we couldn’t be more polar opposite. Sure, people change and are not constants. But don’t underestimate the critical importance of that base which is not likely to change, the core personality and family of origin traits. For one, I thought she was in love with Jesus Christ as I am, studying Scripture and avoiding the doctrine, rituals, and traditions of religious and secular society. She turned out to be about as religious as you can get. It’s all about rules and morality, not relationships and eternity.
For another, just read the descriptions for an ENFP (me) versus an ISTJ (her), 16personalities.com is pretty good. I love personal development, ideas, trying new things, meeting new people, and stretching multiple potentials. She fights for things not to change. She loves closed, quiet circles, and clings to traditions.
Oddly, we’re still married. We like some stuff together, like going out to eat. But just a plain conversation sets us one against the other. Forget intimacy (of any sort). This is my third marriage and I’m too tired for yet another divorce. Besides, my priority has shifted to the one relationship that means everything to me, the very reason for my existence and the fulfillment of my purpose, God as my Father because Christ is in me.
Other than that, I would agree. Marriage would not get boring because, rather if, our partners are fluid.
Happily married multipod here (26 years). We are still growing and changing, but we do it together! Congratulations on your marriage!
No matter how exciting, funny, sexy and mercurial a person is. At some point for me usually at the 2-3 year mark, I get bored. I find that multipotentiality at least in myself does change and grow. You get new interests, but it doesn’t mean that your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., will match your interests.
I find sex is the one that takes the biggest hit. If you’re lucky, you find someone that shares your desires and predilections. I feel you have to work twice as hard at relationships than the average person due to the varied appetites and mental stimulation that I feel multipotentialites need.
I can find enough people to spend quality time with when my interests fluctuate. But, sexually unless you are going to be a swinger or have an open relationship, which is not my thing. It is hard for your partner to keep up.
Congratulations!!
I don’t think of my husband as an experience. I think of him as a base. Someone to share my experiences with. We have been married 38 yrs. I am happy to finally understand myself as a multipotentialite after many years of what I call flitting from one thing to another. I am so happy to see there are so many people like me. I have degrees or training in many things including economics, stock investing, seamstress, gemology, cooking, artist, writer, digital design, yoga, meditation, Aryuveda, genealogy, sommelier and now digital forensics.
I wish I could settle down but I just can’t seem to. I don’t know if being anything will ever make me feel successful or satisfied. I wish I knew what direction to go in. It is nice to be able to share it with someone. Being married is great!!
Of course you will get bored. But, “Will I get bored?” is the wrong question. Really, what have you NOT gotten bored with? The real question is , “What will I do when I get bored?” If you are truly committed, you will work through it, which with a relationship with another human being is the adult thing to do. If not, you wuill quit. Marriage is not like playing guitar. You don’t just get to trade in your 6-string for a bass when you get bored.
Love this! Right on target!
I’ve been with my husband for 23 years, and while we have been known to get bored, it’s always with the conditions of our lives rather than each other.
We get into ruts and have to get out of them. Show me the humans who don’t.
It’s my belief that some people are (like me and him) deeply monogamous where others are deeply polyamorous, and yet others might wander around the points in between, perhaps as much as a result of social norms as anything else. It strikes me that this is in alignment with orientation, gender identity, or gender presentation. There’s a variety of places you can be on the spectrum that have no more to do with being a multipod than they do with your height or skin colour.
Where we do fall down (in UK and US cultures, at least) is emotional literacy. We rarely come from families or schools where knowing our own personal boundaries, listening to our instincts, learning to actively listen, and clearly expressing our feelings are the norm. Instead, we have to learn to do all that stuff as adults – and perhaps multipods might blame our inherently wandering interests for difficulties in relationships simply because we don’t understand why they might happen, rather than realising that you can’t use tools to fix something when no-one’s ever pointed them out, never mind taught you to use them. I’ve seen people with a range of jobs, mental health issues, sexual orientations, gender identities, and configurations of relationships have highly successful partnerships over many years; and I’ve seen others fall apart, often blaming the same factors that have not harmed relationships for others.
It’s made worse by the cultural assumption that certain problems are just normal and even healthy. How many films and tv series and books depend on people just not communicating clearly? How many depictions of romantic partnerships cast unhealthy and even actually dangerous behaviour as “romantic”?
It’s a matter of amazement to me that long-term relationships of any kind work out, given all the forces arrayed against them, from plain old social inequality and injustice to childhood experiences of dysfunctional relationships to a constant barrage of ads, tv, film, and books modelling dysfunctional-to-dangerous behaviours while largely ignoring the sane, healthy, thriving relationships we aspire to.
Thank goodness I found someone who loves and supports me as I am and is willing to do his share of the emotional heavy lifting. Being in a long-term relationship (poly or monogamous, as far as I can tell from my poly friends) is like gardening: you’re cultivating seedlings, pruning the dead wood, using the garden rubbish in compost, pulling the weeds up, observing what thrives where and gentling it along. It’s just that many people only pay attention to what’s happening when it goes wrong. You don’t just keep planting flowers in a spot where they keep dying, and then being angry and selling your house because the garden’s no good; either you move the flowers to another spot, or you choose to grow different flowers that will thrive there.
And sometimes relationships run their courses. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it’s over. In the end, if you have enough trust and goodwill and respect and love, you can usually find your right path together. (If you’ve simply become people who no longer belong together, or if you’re in an abusive relationship, get out for your own sanity and health.)
None of that has anything to do with being a multi or mono kind of person.
And now I shall tuck my battered old soap box away and stop wittering
This is an interesting topic, indeed, and one that caused little rumblies in my tummy that asked me to respond.
In the past, my tendency as a multipotentialite was to date really dramatic and emotionally tumultuous people. This kept things “interesting,” I suppose. Challenging. I then took a full year off of serious relationships, digging deeper into my own drama and emotions and needs. My OWN behind-the-scenes.
And then I began focusing on attracting in the love of my life by really learning to love the crap out of myself. (I highly recommend the book “Calling in The One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life”…) ~~ Ultimately, I attracted a man who is simple, stable, and is a rock to my roll. As I bounce around from my many different passions and ideas, he remains constant. He helps to ground me, and he also challenges me. When I’m getting lost in my intellectual/analytical masturbation of any given issue(s), this human hits me with these simple yet profound sentences that knock away my BS and affect me at my core.
I never thought I’d attempt marriage. That commitment terrified me. But now? It’s like I’ve found an ingredient that I never knew I needed to make the most delicious [organic, gluten-free] cake ever.
So MY personal experience is that it has taken finding someone who is confident, stable, a patient listener, driven, and supportive. Oh, and hilarious. That’s key for me to remain interested.
Congrats on getting married! Have so much fun!
My husband and I are both multipods, with vastly different interests, and I like that about us. But he’s not my hobby, he’s a person. He’s interesting and supportive and infuriating and we’ve been through so much together and we’re in this for the long haul, and that loyalty is just one more thing that makes me love him all the more. Marriage requires a decision to put the other first, to fight FOR the marriage instead of with each other, to admit we’re wrong often, to listen…etc. It isn’t a hobby. It’s really hard work. But it can be so good, and like you said, people change and grow over the years, and that’s really amazing. Never a dull moment around here. 🙂
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! It’s a grand adventure.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying.
We like change…and a lot of it, however with friends, family and relationships, I am actually someone who struggles to accept change in that regard….unless it is for good reason.
I believe connections with people make us stronger and we benefit from those connections as long as we aren’t being hindered in any way and those people in our lives accept us for who we are and we feel and do constantly grow with each other, they are probably extremely good for us multipotentialites.
Thank you for this article. I love your work.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, I wish the two of you many, many years of happiness, laughter, and love!
I married my husband (of 39 years) for his gentle heart – he cares, and acts on his caring, and that has been consistent through the years. I have many interests he doesn’t share – some that we can – but he is not an interest, he is not an activity or a hobby; he is my partner, and he has taught me things I would never have known about myself and about the world if I hadn’t made the choice to trust that gentle heart. So yes, someone who is attracted to many things can stay with someone in a personal relationship … it just takes work, it takes realism, it takes understanding that no one person is ever going to be able to be your sole “supplier”, and most of all, it takes valuing that person for who s/he is separate from who the two of you are together.
I’ve been divorced for a lot of years. Relationships came and went for various reasons. But my underlying fear was of boredom and not finding someone to grow with me. I haven’t found that someone. Your perspective is helpful and lovely. Congratulations on your wonderful partnership.
Ooh Emilie! Congratulations. I have been with my husband for 24 years and never get bored, so don’t worry! Boredom need not happen!
I love something about every comment made here! My favorite was “he’s the rock to my roll!” I’ve been with my husband 6 years now and can’t imagine life without him! In those 6 years I’ve pursued about 5 different, unrelated careers and he has been a steady force the entire time!
He supports me, gives me space to grow, and shares in many of my interests despite our vastly different world views on “work!” I, too, recognized a while ago that it was necessary for me to build and maintain friendships outside of him in order to stay out of rut and not get bored with my life! Unlike the 6 other boyfriends I had in the years immediately preceding him, our relationship gets better with age and every year I find new reasons to love him! He truly is the Ying to my Yang and I wish this for you two, Emilie! Congratulations on your big day and thank you for giving me a moment to reflect on this!
Congrats – Emilie! I am happily with the love of my life for more than 22 years now and boredom isn’t a word we experience in our relationship. Our magic receipts: freedom is essentiell, give the other one room for growth, it’s a target every day to make the significant other laugh about something, the mix between shared interests and activities and seperated interests and acitvities is a key for us, having common and separated circle of friends is important as well. We love the time we spend together, but we as well love the time we spend apart (we have two flats in different cities and I love to go on holidays alone). A little trick from science: do really exciting things together (like extreme sports or special adventures), that is a kind of fuel for your relationship, as your brain thinks the exciting is due to the other person. Might sound like a trick, but in fact it’s fun :-)) Wishing your and your significant other all the best!
Love is the answer to boredom, not the cause.
There are many different types of jobs/careers/interests that you can get into, and none of them should be your all encompassing life. When you find the balance of a good relationship it makes the transitions less unsteady.
My current relationship struggle as a multi-pod involves changing careers without changing location. My passive approach to changing jobs in the past was just to move and find a new thing. Now, in a very positive relationship with a person that thrives in a stable location, I have to find another way to change.
My difficulty with this is the break from the old job. It was easy in the past to simply say:
“I can’t work here because I now live in XXXXX”
I find it difficult to say:
“I don’t work here, but I live down the street and am looking for work”
I had the thought of changing the relationship instead of myself, but in reality that is just an easy way out. I am looking for a new career challenge, not a different person.
My husband and I are a couple of classic multipotentialites, we just got married in November and will be having 2nd bigger wedding in October this year (because 1 just wasn’t enough for all of our creative ideas you know). Reading this post was like reading all the conversations we had about what marriage is to us before and after our ceremony. The understanding that you are marrying a living, breathing, ever changing, beautiful being who will morph and flow and teach you to be open and reveal to you your most lovely and most dark parts so that you can morph and flow too is all you need! So many marriages end because “they just changed” or “grew apart”. Yes, that will happen, the idea is to allow this and love this change, and have the courage to let go of control so that you create a sacred sanctuary for both of you to dance freely. Honor the new and the old and build your heart connection to be unbreakable so that you can love your partner for all of who they are, not just what you thought they were in your mind on your wedding day. Your lover is more deep than you can know and you get the honor of swimming in this ocean if you dare have the graciousness to do so with curiosity and gratitude. Love is not binding. It is supportive.
You two will be so happy I congratulate you on finding each other!
Much love and light!
May you enjoy an eternity of happiness in every moment, Emilie and Valerie.
I think Mulitpotentialites have no more or fewer difficulties in love relationships than anyone else. We just notice it more.
Enjoy your beautiful wedding!
Congratulations Emilie!! Weddings are so exciting. 🙂 I’m happy for you both, and wish you the longevity of an interesting relationship that my husband and I have enjoyed over the past 40 years. Holy Moly – Yep, 40 years, and going strong.
Sure, sometimes boredom sets in, but we keep things exciting. We’re both involved in each other’s life ventures and interests. In my humble opinion, in a good relationship, there should be no worries about boredom. Everyone gets bored at some time in their life. It’s what they do about it that matters. Have fun exploring the world together… there’s lots out there to discover. If you get bored, put on TEDs talks, and search for something new to learn about, after all, that’s where we learned about Emilie and Puttylike. 😉
Wishes for Happiness and Health to you both.
Mo
Congratulations, Emilie! You are an thoughtful, self-aware woman, which is perhaps the most important basis for a successful relationship. That is to say, the only unsuccessful relationships are those in which we fail to learn important lessons and fail to use our pain as an impetus for personal growth and expansion.
Having stepped into the world of non-monogamy myself several years ago, I find that most people tend to be wired this way, though our culture is designed to encourage monogamy and try as we may to convince ourselves that if we had only tried hard enough or been more faithful… (see “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cecilia Jetha). This strong hold in old-world religion and patriarchy echoes on today, even in the world of increasing gender equality and sexual liberation.
I find the question of monogamy vs non-monogamy less related to our tendencies towards multipotentiality, and more related to how we choose to view love. Is love about control, jealousy, rules and trying as hard as we can to bend our relationships to fit this mold (again, see “Sex At Dawn)? Or is it about freedom, consent, respect and pleasure? As Dan Savage says, no one person will ever be enough to fulfill all of your needs, and the fact that we keep trying to make it so is most likely what leads to so many divorces and so many feeling they have “failed marriages” or have “failed their partners and themselves.” This can be an easy out, and instead of focusing on what responsibility one can take for the role they played in the deterioration of the relationship, we quickly demonize and blame the other person for “cheating,” and call it a day, looking for the next “one”which will surely be the one person out of 7 billion who will make us happy. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
Multipods may, in fact, be more prone to embracing their tendencies for needing and valuing various inputs from various sources, thus feeling ultimately fulfilled and stimulated, which, as we know, is when we are at our happiest. Contrary to what many may believe about non-monogamy, it is one of the most difficult journeys into self-awareness and personal growth that anyone could ever undertake and is not for the faint of heart. Jealousy, it turns out, has little to do with your partners actions and more to do with how we react to them. This hit me hard, as I realized I needed to face my fears of abandonment caused by my father leaving when I was a baby as opposed to feeding into the depth and helplessness the jealousy was dragging me into. Years later, I value this determined and at times painful growth so much and feel confident that though I will experience jealousy in the future, I know how to communicate this to my partner(s) and treat myself with kindness in a way that is productive and bonding.
The reality is we are each unique beings with individual desires, hangups, baggage and needs. The best way to ensure a successful long-term relationship is to get real about who you are and what you need, and ask your partner to do the same, and define what loyalty means to you and your partner. http://www.carsieblanton.com/blog/post/131354056804/emotional-affairs-are-not-a-real-problem
Dan Savage and Esther Perel (https://www.ted.com/speakers/esther_perel) also offer some genius insight into these arenas.
Happiest of days for you both! I know you will be a shining model for respectful and loving connection!
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS EMILIE!!!
So this is a tough topic that I’ve thought a lot about. To this day have not had a relationship that has lasted over two years (and I’m 31) because eventually, no matter how hard I or the other person seem to work at it, I become uninterested romantically and then stuck & unhappy. I am a loyal person, so often these people remain friends but just not in a romantic way. I’d never want to cheat on anyone, so I end up breaking off the relationship. I do hope that one day I meet someone I can stay with long term, but I’m not sure that it will happen for me. That’s okay though, maybe long term relationships aren’t for everyone? Truth be told I am really happy with my single life. My losing interest in relationships probably has nothing to do with being a multipotentialite, and instead just be a personal thing. From the look of these comments it sounds like I’m in the minority on this one.
I also think its possible. Just didnt find a way to do it. Or I’m just having bad luck in choosing ppl.
Anyway, happy for you.
Congratulations! I have been married very happily for 28 years to my opposite.
I am a multipotentialite, he is a specialist. I am creative, he is a linear thinker. I am a dreamer, he is practical. We make an awesome team because of this. It also rarely gets boring boring because we get the value of having a different perspective. And when you do get bored I think Don’s comment was spot on that it is what you do about it!
A great question that I, too, have pondered. I have been divorced twice and widowed once. I find that it wasn’t so much that I got “bored” with a spouse, but rather that my choice for a spouse was not compatible with my multipotentiality. I found myself marrying for conditions and qualities that did not include creativity, curiosity, or flexibility. My late husband had those qualities, but he passed 14 years ago. I have added those three VITAL qualities to my criteria for a possible partner.
This comment section is so interesting to read as a young (20) gay man. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and after taking time to accept and embrace my sexual identity I think I’m finally ready to dip my toes in the dating world. I had never really thought about how multipotentiality could play an effect in relationships, but after reading this I immediately thought of a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of 1.5 years. She took some time traveling and upon returning, it was clear that her vision of the future was much more dynamic than his, and they ended it.
I’ll definitely keep thinking about this article. Emilie, I wish all the best to you and Valerie!
Congrats to you and Valerie on your upcoming nuptials. I agree that what you both contribute to, and do with, the relationship and its ebbs and flows will determine the course it continues on.
I had to chuckle when I read your email this morning as I had wondered just that not two days ago. It sort of popped up out of the blue, which made me wonder about relationships that seemed great then fizzled. While I changed and grew, in some relationships, I understand now that it was difficult for the other person to keep up.
Takes two to tango, so long as you both know the steps and can go with changing rhythms!
Thanks everyone for the kind wishes and for the insightful comments! I especially love the point that several of you made about how your partner is a “base” and how grounding that can be for a multipotentialite. I totally agree.
Hi there Emily! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I totally agree with your voice: there is plenty of room for creativity, personal and spiritual growth in our relationships as mutipotentialites, but here´s the catch: for us to be truly joyful in a long term relationship, and feel the blessings of a true commitment, the other person must also be willing to grow. Because the more we are ready to dive in the waters of one another´s unique universes, always changing ,the more we will be able to embrace whatever life throws up, face every circumstance with the spirit of gratitude and make decisions having the best of one another in mind. Have a joyful wedding! Blessings, Mónica
I’ve been with my wife for 20 years. My multipotentialite nature has never made me bored in my relationship. In fact, it’s the stability of the relationship that makes the pursuit of many interests possible. My wife fully understands and supports all my interests and says it’s one of the things she loves most about me.
Congrats Emilie and Valerie! And WOOOOOT for polyamorous representation/ mention – thank you! It is really nice to not have my identity/ that option erased! Rock on and I hope your marriage is a long and happy one 🙂
How wonderful, Emily! Congratulations! I’ve been in a relationship almost three years. So this, I realize, it’s happening to me. He’s very steady in his ways and can be fine with the same things all the time. I do get bored easily. One thing I learned is a weekend trip or even a day trip on the weekend here and there. That helps and he actually realizes he enjoys it. Sometimes I’ll just make a new recipie, convince home to try a new restaurant, and also give myself a “me” day every week. The me day helps a lot too. I get to go and do my own thing. That all helps. Definitely going to read all the entries for more ideas. Thank you and congrats again! ?
From my own experience, you can always explore and find new things about your partner, even after years of being together. This is the beauty of a multi-faceted human personality. As long as she/he support you, it is a journey of constant re-discovery within and out of yourself.
For me – yes. I have to work hard to keep my relationship exciting. I’ve been married. I’ve divorced. My ideal is a polyamorous relationship, because I believe 100% that people need different things and noone can provide the full 100%. That being said, I am currently in a good, steady and happy monogamous relationship. It might be forever. It might end at any point in our lives. We’ll just have to live and see.
I have been married for 38 years and one thing I found out is that if you are bored, chances are your partner is too. My wife encourages me get excited and interested in new things. When each of us is happy, everything works. She is not a multipod but we are a couple. If one of us isn’t happy, then we aren’t happy as a couple. Your partner encourages you to do whatever it is to bring happiness back to your relationship. I do not believe that it is possible for one to be happy while the other is in pain. Valerie wants you to be as happy as you want her to be. Be brave and keep talking to each other, no matter what.
Congratulations 🙂
I get bored. I think it is just normal for us to loose the feeling of excitement after first few years. Especially if our partner does not invest in making and keeping the relationship interesting or fulfilling.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been with the same guy for years. But there are times when it feels so empty within. I love to cuddle, nuzzle, hold hands and be expressive and be together. He seldom show his emotions, gets busy reading news, watching you tube for all sorts of subjects that I find depressing, some interesting but mostly not beneficial.
After years of sharing a room with him watching boring tv programs in bed…before laptop took over, I decided I have to find my own entertainment elsewhere. So I met people online, went out and have some fun.
Thankfully, after years of me trying to get him to understand I need more love from him, he has decided to actually pay me attention , well more than before and he actually lets me hug him for more than a second now… so we are doing good. In fact, not bad for a two decade marriage. It only survives with me having someone else to talk deeply to on the side though. Otherwise, I would have walked out.
Boredom? yes. If your partner is conservative, not imaginative, stuck in a rut, and you are not all those things… it can be a bad combination.. though opposites can be good too as long as you have some common ground and both have some willingness to meet each other’s needs, there is hope. After all, marriage is work but it is worth the work in the end (most times).
I love this topic! Thanks so much for starting this and Congratulations!
I think a long term relationship is very possible for anyone. First you have to realize that your happiness comes from within you, not someone else. My husband has the same breakfast every day. He has the same routine every day. But that is him, not me. I shift from one hobby to the next and he is almost always a good sounding board. He loves to hear about my new passion and I love telling him about it. He is not a language person so all the new terminology is short lived with him, but he has come to realize (after 20 years) that I jump from one thing to the next.
The hardest change for him was when I went Vegan. But after he saw how important it was to me he came on board. We bought new cook books and started cooking together. It is some of our must fun times, I will sue chef for him or he will chop and prep for me.
He loved when I started Diving even thou he hates being in the water. I dove for 5 years and became a Dive Master. I even started my own under water photography business.
Next came quilting, then Learning Chinese, now knitting. We both love to read and share what we read.
But thru it all I depend on my inner self for fulfillment. No one else on earth can bring you happiness.
Good luck and may the force be with you.
I am SO GLAD that polyamory is being mentioned in this piece and in the comments in a non-judgmental way. I think it’s true that poly isn’t a solution to the problems of monogamy; but I wonder whether multipods might be poly at a higher rate than the rest of the population, given our propensity for multi- and poly- everything.
I have been thinking for years about this. Not about the relationship with my husband (23y married!) but with friends. It happens the same as hobbies. One day I just loose interest at all and close any connection with my now ex-best fiend. I hate that. I hurt them. They do not have any clue what happened, nor do I. Do you have any similar experiences?