Welcome to Dear Puttylike, where our team of writers tackles your burning multipotentialite questions! Submissions are edited for length and clarity.
Dear Puttylike,
We’re contacting you from Switzerland after having watched Emilie’s wonderful TED talk. We have an 8-year-old son who has always been demanding and thirsty to learn and try new things. He has so many hobbies (piano, basketball, football, karate, swimming) and he is brilliant in all of them. School bores him—he is first in his class. And at home he is driving us nuts to get more.
He currently acts in a theater and sews with a machine, but we know that soon he will close these chapters and ask for something new. My hubby is an engineer; I’m a biologist. The next step for us is to create a lab at home and start our son with technical drawing, etc. But we know that this, too, will only keep him engaged until he finishes it in his mind.
Luckily, his teachers see his talents. We went to a psychologist, who tested his IQ. She told us he is not “highly gifted,” and that we should go home, lean back and not worry. But we do worry. We don’t know how to handle our son. Continuing my search online, I found Puttylike.
It’s clear, our brilliant boy is something different. We cannot name it yet. But multipotentiality is kind of a full match.
Is there anything you could recommend to us? Anything that parents should know to deal with talents like my son’s? It is a gift, for sure, but it has a downside for us parents as well. We are so exhausted…
Dear Switzerland,
Hello! I’m Mel and your delightfully demanding 8-year-old son sounds a lot like 8-year-old me. You are not alone.
Surprisingly, if I were to summarize my advice to you in one sentence, it would sound exactly like what your psychologist said: Go home, lean back, and do not worry. Since you’ve already heard that advice, let me get into the why of my recommendations.
Firstly, as a fellow multipotentialite, I am admittedly envious of your son’s after-school schedule. Basketball, football, karate, swimming, and theatre—what fun! This packed schedule might be incredibly valuable for your son, especially if he’s a tad socially awkward like I was. As a young person, I vacillated dramatically between being socially disengaged (because I was too busy watching a more fascinating idea flow through my mind in high-definition movie quality) and talking so much that it seemed like I kept very little to myself. Allowing your son to participate in activities that he finds fun and fulfilling is a great way for him to learn vital skills like turn-taking, leadership, empathy, and losing graciously.
“Go home”
Although they may be great for you son, are all of the activities you mentioned the source of your exhaustion? Is funding your son’s ever-expanding list of extracurriculars is breaking your budget? Or, is shuttling him from one activity to another without enough time to breathe ruining your family time? If this roster of activities is making your life unmanageable, go home!
Don’t force him to quit everything (unfair!), but engage your wonderfully creative son in a conversation about how, together, your family will decide on a few activities for him to focus on per period of time. Don’t forget to talk about why you are making this decision—it will help all of you. Conversations like this can help your son start to practice what it feels like to make good decisions as a result of identifying – and living – his values. And it can help you get clear about why him choosing only a few things at a time is so important to you and your family.
Once you and your son have more time at home, you say that you plan to create a lab and start with technical drawing! These could be great family activities…if you actually anticipate this being a fun experience for everyone,—and if you can mentally handle the possibility that he will abandon both before you’ve paid off the equipment bill. If the lab and technical drawing studio are just the newest additions to his already-bursting schedule, resist the urge to bring more in until you have that “why” conversation and he decides what costly (either in time, financial resources, or emotional energy) activities he’d like to focus on for now.
“Lean back”
Since you may be rolling back the big-budget activities, remember that creativity is still free! In addition to learning about new disciplines and ideas, multipotentialite kids need to work out how to be in the world with their own gifts and limitations. You might decide that being bored at home counts as an activity that your son gets to (perhaps literally) wrestle with. What if, in those moments, it was his responsibility to bug himself until he figures out how to quench his thirst for learning and trying new things? Parents can have two roles here. First, communicate your excitement for the creative things your brilliant boy comes up with all on his own. And, if he needs help practicing how to quiet his mind, try some kid-friendly mindfulness activities with him during family time.
“Do not worry”
When you say you don’t know how to handle your son, is it because he seems to be running through activities, ideas, and experiences at an alarming rate? Are you concerned about the speed at which he claims to get to the end of each chapter in his young life? I still get this worry from friends & family in my middle age. For one thing, I seem to read faster than humanly possible. People often ask me to prove that I’ve actually read something they’ve sent to me seconds earlier. Similarly, people in my life often express concern when I come to a strong decision or announce that I am finished with something. From the outside, these changes seem to come out of nowhere.
In reality, some multipotentialites really do process information at a speed that seems unsettling. When you are the parent or partner who processes information or experiences at a more “normal” rate, it can feel like you are locked out of a mysterious process that the multipotentialite isn’t able to fully share or demonstrate the return on investment right away. Therefore, your differences become an exercise of trust and communication that you will all keep growing into day by day.
You will have fascinating conversations about what your son gleans from his learning activities. You will undoubtedly learn something new from him, and he will learn from you about what he can discover when he persists a little bit longer. Sometimes, he’ll still be done too soon for you, and you will make him stick with it or decide to trust that he really did get everything he could out of it at that moment. Remember that, for multipotentialites, quitting doesn’t always look the same over a lifetime. Your son might circle back later, either to the activity or to what he learned from it, to apply it to something new in his life. I do that daily in my personal and professional lives.
You’re doing great
Switzerland, I admire the attention and care you have shown to your son’s interests and development. You are doing a great job. Writing to Puttylike is just one small example of the countless ways you demonstrate that you want the best for your son. I understand that, as a parent, it is impossible and wrong to never worry about the future. I can imagine the excitement and fear that comes with knowing for sure that your son is something different, yet feeling equally unsure about what exactly to name it. I bet that there are days that you find yourself wrestling with the uncertainty that manifests as a deep longing for that thing to have a name… Because, with a name, we desperately hope that there might be a roadmap to tell us how to handle what comes next.
But, as we know, none of us has that kind of crystal ball. (If you do, I want one too!) What I’m proposing is that you consider how your daily experiences with your multipotentialite son could be more joyful and less fretful when you intentionally seek opportunities to live more of your life together in the present. If there’s one thing I have learned after a life of too much education and rumination, it’s that we don’t have to figure out what everything means today.
Your son will keep discovering new things every day—and you are not required to keep pace all day, every day. Set your own boundaries about the resources you can provide to support each new discovery he makes. Roll along with him as best as you can, in your own way and at your own pace.
Much love to you and your son,
Mel
Your turn
How does balancing self-care and supporting friends and family members show up in your life? Any tips for parents of multipotentialite kids? Share your experiences in the comments!
Looking for a comprehensive companion guide for the multipotentialite? Check out Emilie Wapnick’s award-winning book, How to Be Everything.
“You might decide that being bored at home counts as an activity that your son gets to (perhaps literally) wrestle with. What if, in those moments, it was his responsibility to bug himself until he figures out how to quench his thirst for learning and trying new things?”
I absolutely agree with this. Granted I grew up at a different time, when children were expected to have far fewer structured activities, used public transportation instead of being shuttled all the time, and it was acceptable to nudge them to go outside and play with their friends instead of organizing play meetings. I know it’s much harder to do that today, especially in urban environments.
I credit experiencing boredom as a child as the #1 reason why I grew up to be a super-creative person. At some point, the child’s boredom has to become their own problem to solve. And they will solve it. Give them essential resources (paper, pens, library membership, access to a safe electronic device to go on Wikipedia rabbit holes) and they’ll run with it.
Maybe instead of paying for every single new expensive item they’ll abandon in less than a year, set an allowance that they will have to learn to distribute on their own. “If you buy this thing now, you won’t be able to have another new thing until X. Do you still want it so much?”
8 years old is not too young to learn how money works.
I love this, Nela – thank you for sharing your experience! I see at least two great lessons learned here: the creative benefits of wrestling with boredom, and the opportunity to learn about money in way that’s authentic and meaningful for a bright and curious 8-year-old.
As a multipotentialite, I really appreciate Switzerland’s efforts to understand and encourage their son. Learning to pick a [few] hobbies even though wanting to do them AAAALLL is a super helpful skill in adulthood. Also, just being supportive in general – my family treats my wide assortment of interests as “what is she into now?” and that the credibility of the information I learn is somehow not up to par. I realize this is not what’s happening in this article, but just wanted to caution parents of these kiddos. ‘Learning’ and ‘creative problem solving’ are actual hobbies for me, so your combo of science and engineering sounds *amazing*, so those are great fields to introduce him to!
To Switzerland Parents, re: the intelligence test results — based on the description, it’s quite likely that your son *is* highly (and possibly profoundly) gifted. The IQ tests typically used for initial assessments do *not* accurately measure higher IQs — they show falsely low scores for the super-bright kids. The multi- and rapidly shifting exploration/learning style of your son (AND your exhaustion trying to keep up!) are major clues/indicators/hallmarks of super-bright kids. Dr. Linda Silverman of Gifted Development Center (Westminster, CO, which is near Denver, CO) and others have researched and published on this over the years — there’s more info on GDC’s website, https://www.gifteddevelopment.org/ And although it’s technically out of print, see if you can find a copy of High IQ Kids: Collected Insights, Information, and Personal Stories from the Experts, edited by Kiesa Kay, Deborah Robson, and Judy Fort Brenneman (I’m Judy, btw). It isn’t available as an ebook (maybe someday I’ll get around to converting it), only paper — I have spare copies if you’re interested and willing to pay for shipping.
Hi to Parents from Switzerland,
Read your letter today and felt like I was reading I was looking myself in the mirror about 10 years ago when I my son was 4. He was exactly similar to what you have described your son as. Though his interests were still more varied but I knew that he would want to do everything and he actually excelled in most of them except in those situations where his “Rainforest Mind word coined by Paula Prober a Therapist for GIfted Teens and Adults and also a Blogger” didn’t hold him back. I had got him tested when he was 5 and similar to your son he did not fit into the category for being Gifted but I knew something was different about him, I just didn’t know what and then one of the I took things in my hands and started following all these websites for Gifted people and took cues and tips from it and helped him out along with my daughter who is also gifted and is 9 now. I did not get her tested privately but she did not qualify for the gifted program at school as she did not meet the cut off grade at school. My son is 14 now and when things had gotten really tough when he reached the age of 10, I came across the website of Linda Silverman (https://gifteddevelopment.org/linda-silverman) and Paula Prober (www.rainforestmind.com). It is because of Linda Silverman’s Books and Blogs of Paula Prober, I finally got an answer to my questions. I did not wanted the label for my kids being called Gifted but I wanted to know what was different so that I could cater to his curiosity and his enthusiasm for learning. After talking to Paula, she assured me that 1. There was nothing wrong with him, but also the fact that he was gifted and an RFM but that it would not show up on the test for a varied reason 2. That my daughter was also gifted and an RFM and that she would also not perform well on the Gifted testing
I agree with Judy Fort Brenneman, that your son is definitely gifted. You can go through Paula’s Articles/Blogs and you will find it helpful. They have been helping me for the past 4 years and also articles from Dr. Gail Post (https://www.gailpost.com/). Hope this helps. Enjoy your son!!!
Hello Mel Atkins,
This beautiful, wonderful, creative, and always springing up interests and ideas to accomplish little 8-year-old you have may exhaust you. I am, however, glad that your 8 year-old has lots of choices. I think I will agree with the psychologist that tells you to “go home, lean back, and do not worry.” Your 8-year-old is a multipotentialite, and multipotentialite will always have options. So, embrace the changes as they come, because multipotentialite is able to resort to something else when they are bored, and yes, they will always have a plan B. “Nurture every idea and interest, as the opportunity is open to be embraced.” Mel, you are doing great, because not many people have the resources to aid the little-grown and smart 8-year-old. I encourage your transparency, as this will help in the race for resource options for the smart 8-year-old. Take care!