If you’ve ever agonized over the question “what am I going to be when I grow up?”, then this post is for you.
Going forward, we’re going to refer to this as ‘The Question’.
The Question has a tendency to creep up on us each time we near the end of an academic program. High school, undergrad, graduate school… the final year is often spent worrying over what our purpose in life is, how we will make a living, and what on earth we will do next.
The Question also arises when we are not in school. It nags at us throughout our employed lives, often in one of its other forms, like “am I really going to do this forever?” or “is this really what I’m meant to be doing?”
We are often assaulted with some variation of The Question at family gatherings or in social settings.
Basically, The Question is everywhere.
To those who have answered The Question and have committed to one specific career path, good for you. I don’t mean to put you down or criticize your life choices here.
(You should know though, that you will likely be faced with this question again… what do the stats say? Most college graduates change jobs like 8 times before sticking with something long-term?!)
In any case, for many of us, The Question remains unanswered. More than that, it is a repeated source of stress. There is something inherently off-putting about The Question too. Something about it makes us feel uneasy.
First of all, how on earth are we to choose one thing to dedicate our lives to at the age of 18, 23 or 26 (or any other age for that matter).
Second, the reason it feels wrong is that it may actually be unhealthy. Wrapping your entire identity up in one thing and excluding all other possibilities can severely limit your ability to grow in new and unanticipated ways. On some level we sense this so we resist making such a seemingly-permanent commitment.
Finally, what if you answer wrong?! What if twenty years from now, you wake up and realize that you hate your job and had some other dreams or passions all along, but were too afraid to pursue those things back in your early twenties?
All of these concerns make answering The Question a really daunting and uncomfortable process for many of us. But thankfully, I’ve got some good news for you…
The Good News – The Question is a Lie
You actually don’t need to answer The Question at all! At least not with one definite answer. What you need to do is reformulate the question.
Instead of asking “what is my one true calling in life?”, ask “what are the many things I would like to experience before I die?”
By changing the question from one career choice or life purpose to many long term goals, you get to relax and suddenly the pressure involved in making a lifelong commitment is gone. Furthermore, you can add and subtract things as you wish. I usually revise my list of goals/things to do before I die once or twice a year.
Once you adopt this kind of thinking, you literally never have to ask yourself The Question again and that is incredibly freeing.
Making Your List of Goals
If time and money were not an issue, what would you do with your time? Imagine your ideal day from start to finish. Make a list of things you want to try before you die. Make your goals specific and root them in emotion rather than reason. For example, don’t imagine a million dollars in your bank account, instead imagine what you would do with that money. Would you travel the world? Start a business? Write a novel? Whatever it is, write it down in vivid detail.
This is all you have to do for now. Once you know what things (plural) you actually want to do while you’re alive, then you can start thinking about how to finance those things. You might find that the financial part is not as hard as you initially thought.
There are many sources of revenue streams beyond a traditional job. There’s freelancing, part-time work that allows for freedom to pursue your goals, self-employment, and even strategically negotiated full-time employment. Many many combinations and options are available. There are ordinary people like you and me, who have no special resources, skills or inheritance to speak of, who are doing just this.
I will say though, that this requires an open mind. You have to be willing to think about money/work in new ways and at least be open to considering some alternatives to what we’ve been told repeatedly growing up: that you go to school, get training, get a good job, save for retirement, and then at age 65 you are free start living your dreams. Throughout the course of this blog I’m going to bring you resources and interviews with people who have radically different views on this and who are living examples that it is possible to turn the model on its head and have the freedom to pursue your dreams now.
We’ll get to the money part in upcoming posts and podcast interviews. But start with your goals. What do you long to do? What are you passionate about? What are some things you might like to try one day? Also don’t just think about yourself, think about how you’d like to change the world and help others. What are some problems that you’d like to help solve?
Think big. Write down your ideal vision, not some “practical” version of your dreams. Imagine yourself on your deathbed, looking back over your life. What is your legacy? Don’t be left with regrets. Write it all down now.
The hardest thing about taking this approach and striving for many goals as opposed to one definite identity, is that it may make you unpopular at family dinners or parties. It is almost inevitable that people will not understand your choice and will try to pressure you into rethinking The Question. Dealing with nay-sayers is one of the hardest things about following your own path through life. But in my opinion, it is a price well worth paying.
What do you guys think? And what are some of the things you would love to do one day?
You can stop asking yourself the question, but other people will never stop asking you. Sometimes the reason why they’re asking is completely self-interested: they want to know that other people are following the traditional path, or they want to compare themselves to you, hopefully finding that they have an answer to the question where you don’t, so they’ll feel good about themselves.
So true. People sometimes get majorly uncomfortable and even seemed threatened when you start talking about doing your own thing. Sometimes it’s best to keep it to yourself.
EM! I wish I had read this post years ago!
First off, I’m going to tell you that I began my mad dash for freedom on June 22nd, the day I decided to quit my much hated marketing job. I’d been working for them for a couple of months, partly for the money, and mostly to make my parents proud. I really wanted to prove to them that I wasn’t a bum doing freelance work, I actually had a steady job with a real paycheck, and no longer required their help to live. I was finally a real person.
Well, turns out being a real person sucks. I slaved away at this job for months, working my heart out, and never felt validated. Not a single fucking time. All I got out of it was 8 hours a day of my life being stolen from me, and a shitty paycheck at the end of the month.
When I finally quit, it still wasn’t over, because I stayed an extra month until they found a replacement.
Finally, July 15th at noon, I packed up my stuff and left, never to return. I can’t tell you how good it felt. I walked out of that office, smiled from the inside, grinned on the outside, and felt like myself again for the first time in months. I went straight up the street to Saint Hubert’s chicken, had some deep fried food, a cold beer, and a great chat with an interesting waitress. In fact, I even gave her a 20$ tip, just because I was feeling like a champ, and ran out grinning like a fool before she saw it. What a day!
Since then though, The Question has slowly crept back into my life. I’ve begun wondering what I am to do with myself, and whether to try my own thing or work for someone else. It’s tricky. It’s only after determining that I have a whole lifetime ahead of me, and many adventures yet to come, that I’ve been able to let go of The Question and really enjoy myself and the things I do.
But there’s still the money question. I still need to live, and writing a novel right now doesn’t seem feasible, because I’ll be flat broke in three months. The negotiation I’m currently working on is a job that pays my bills, that I enjoy, and that will only take 4 days of my week. This will give me 3 days to work on my words.
Anyway, in conclusion, your website is awesome! I’m so glad you wrote this article, and I’ll be checking back regularly!
Rami, you have no idea how happy your comment made me. :)
I love your dash for freedom story too, with the chicken and $20 tip and everything. Those stories are always so simple, but so profound. You really feel like you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing at that moment. It’s a great feeling.
Yes, the money thing is an issue… But I don’t think it’s as much of an issue as we have come to believe, especially now with the internet. I just mean, I think there are a lot of options beyond the ones that are presented to us. No one tells us about entrepreneurship when we’re kids, for example.
My hope is to put together a little guide to alternative work arrangements, income streams, or “dream financing” as I prefer to call it… :) I’m going to delineate various models and interview people who are using those models on my podcast. That’s one of my goals for the website.
Anyway, thank you for your kind words Rami. I’m so happy that you’re a part of the Puttylike community!
This is a great post, and greatly validating for me and what I’m going through right now.
My brother is successfully following the career path he has dreamed of since he was 4. So when I changed majors my second year of college, to my family and friends I was “giving up” on what I was “meant” to do–even though my change of path had been preceded by a LOT of introspection, soul-searching, and emotional struggle. Most of them are still convinced I’m just taking a break and will someday devote my life to music again–the way my brother has devoted his life to art–when the truth is, I’ve discovered that there is a lot more to the world than I saw when I was 18, and there is a lot that I want to do with my life. I have some pretty big dreams, and some smaller ones… some pipe dreams, and some I am determined to accomplish. So what that they’re not the same dreams I had in High School, and so what if they change again as I grow and see more of the world and myself. I was proud of what I accomplished as a musician, but I am happier with what I accomplish now, even if it is far less glamorous, because it feel right for me, where I am and who I am.
great post. Readihg it gave more energy in desogning my unique life style.
What I want is not money, I want love, appreciation, I want to play a role in helping people get along.
In doing this, I have decided to focus on creating and designing my life in that. Guess what am getting what I want, and what more. I’ve got my life, my friends and money.
Emilie, well said, when we focus less on money amd ask the question: what would I like to experience before I die, what we’ll have will close to perfection.
Thanks.
This is a really beautiful concept. I felt so much anxiety at 20 when I finished university and realized “This is my life from now on: work to live, live to work, forever and ever. The end.”
I was unwilling to accept that. I moved overseas for a year, met an adventurer, sailed across an ocean with him, wrote a book and became a freelancer. I’m excited about what’s next.
You have to ignore convention, listen to your whims and go down paths that are scary! Work + mortgage + kids + suburbs + saving for retirement is the standard, expected norm. But why??!!
I know right?! Total social construction! We’ve bought into this crap for too long.
Good for you Torre, taking your destiny(/ies) into your own hands!! That’s awesome.
Well, I typed the most blatant question into google, ” why can’t I decide on what to do with my life ” and this blog popped up. I would love to talk to people like me and share thoughts. I also wanted to point out the occasional semi-panic attacks I have whenever I try to picture where my life is headed. I WANT TO LEARN EVERYHING I CAN BEFORE I DIE!! lol
Haha that’s awesome that this post came up in response to that search query! I love it.
Nic, welcome to Puttylike. I think you’ll find that there’s a pretty great community here of scanner personalities who have embraced their multipotentiality and the fact that you don’t need to only do one thing in life. (It’s pretty awesome when you come to that realization, huh?)
I’m not sure you’ll be able to learn EVERYTHING before you die.. haha.. but you’ll certainly be able to learn a lot! I know it can all get a little overwhelming at times too. That’s one of the reasons I started the site- to help scanners base our lives around variety, without getting overwhelmed.
Anyway, I’m happy you made your way here! :)
Can I just thank you for your many awesome posts, podcast and personal interaction? I always felt like having varied interests was a detriment, while simultaneously deriving great joy and making an impact with them….it was confusing to enjoy so many different things while also feeling I was immature or dabbling too much.
It’s a lie that we have to have one path. It’s a lie that work has to feel like work. It’s a lie that your work life and personal life have to be segregated from one another.
I shall say “thank you” by hitting the “share” button. I think many of my friends could use this! :)
Thank you, Ruby! (Sorry I missed this comment somehow.)
You’re awesome. :)
I agree with Colleen, so many people do ask to compare to themselves I think the conventional path just doesn’t cut it anymore, and more and more people are asking what else is there?
I had to ask who/what I was living for and it wasn’t for the right reasons.
I really like this post, a very transparent and digestible way to tackle goals.
Great job! I am already looked at strange in my family for numerous reasons, so I might as well keep up the reputation.
Even though I’ve been contemplating in great detail lately the things I’d like to accomplish in this lifetime, I’ve never considered that “the question” doesn’t have to exist! It’s like a load has been taken off my chest. I don’t have to give anyone an answer? That’s a relief because I don’t think that answer will ever be set in stone.
At the moment I want to become a yoga teacher. I also want to become a music teacher. I want to help people find themselves through creative expression. I don’t know how I’m going to do those things, but I’m thinkin about it.
I really like your stuff. *Hugs*
Haha.. Being strange is awesome. :)
Aw you could totally do all that stuff. There’s plenty of time, and you know what? Your interests aren’t even all that unrelated. They can totally build upon each other.
Also, Pam Slim published an article the other day that’s VERY relevant. I loved it: http://www.escapefromcubiclenation.com/2011/06/21/blow-up-traditional-careers-in-favor-of-bodies-of-work/
Thanks for the nice thoughts, Dyamond! Happy you found me. *hugs*
“what are the many things I would like to experience before I die?”
I love it. Despite definitely escaping the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question, this is one of those concepts that’s so ingrained in us socially that it went on operating in me under the surface and I didn’t even know about it!
I have spent a lot of time recently asking “Well should I do the counsellor/therapist/coach/supporting others in reaching their potential role? Or the creative/punch-people-in-the-gut-emotionally-with-my-art role? Or the diagnostic/advisor/business process improvement role?”
And the strange thing is, despite choosing the first of those three for the time being….it never occurred to me I could set them up in succession (or overlap, or concurrently, or whatever).
My issue is that I have too many dreams – How are they ALL going to happen?
I’m not sure how I’m going to get to go to Iceland to experience the hot springs there or what’s going to take me to Brazil on a music orgy tour, (or how I’m getting back!) I’m also not sure how to take a project for the ride it deserves of outlining improvisational performance – but it is what it is!
Here’s a multi-talented person I met who spells out her ever-expanding “life list” here: http://dianneaigaki.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/dianne-aigakis-life-list-4/
I just discovered your blog and I am immensely relieved to find that I am normal. For over 20 years, I have been trying to figure out what my calling is, to no avail. I felt I never grew up because I never found it. Now that I know that I am a multipotentialite, I don’t have to stress about it anymore. Thank you.
Thank you, Livia. Your comment warmed my heart. Welcome to the puttytribe. :)
Great post Emilie. I have been talking about this notion for a long time and have so many projects surrounding “THE” question that I have to say you covered it very nicely.
I just came across your blog today and this post immediately popped out at me. I think you will see why when you take a quick peak at a talk I gave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG5pbdnkMZE&feature=feedlik
Somehow I think you and I have a lot in common so I’m looking forward to following along with Puttylike even closer.
Thanks for the post!
Nice article Emilie,
I can relate to a lot of this. Before it has yet manifested in the physical world, I have been setting an intention to live similarly to what I think you are referring to here.
The reason I may not seem sure what exactly you mean, is just that I have only watched your intro video, then began with ‘start here’ and read this article.
I do love where you seem to be headed, and this type of open-mindedness towards our futures and occupations is relatively new to me.
I am inspired just reading this, and hearing your intentions with this site, as I have never been able to categorize myself, and what you are saying resonates.
So, some of my passions are spirituality, the makings of success, cars, Skylines in particular, drag racing, and the idea of earning income through different avenues and creating a life set to my standards.
Some specific goals are to own my dream house on the ocean with an 8 car garage, travel around whenever and wherever I want, domestically in an RV, with the racecar(s).
That’s a good start to my list :)
Thanks,
Martin
I’m so happy, I found you!
What relief! I’m okay as I am!!!
THANX a lot!!!