In honour of American Thanksgiving this Thursday, and my recently renewed interest in confidence, I thought I’d merge the two topics and tell a story about Thanksgivings past.
Five years ago, when I was twenty-two, I went to a Thanksgiving dinner at my then-boyfriend’s buddies’ place.
I had pretty low confidence at this time in my life generally. But social gatherings with people whom I found intimidating? Recipe for disaster.
At first it was okay, but very quickly, I started to get quiet. Everyone was gabbing and joshing around, and I was quiet. Sure, I laughed along, nodded in the appropriate places, agreed with a point from time to time. But I had nothing to add or contribute to the conversation. I felt numb, powerless, disconnected, and I had no idea why.
It’s not just that I was afraid to share my opinions, It was more like I didn’t have any opinions at all. My identity had simply dissolved. That inner voice that normally told me who I was and what I thought, had gone silent.
This is a horrible feeling that I rarely experience anymore, but I used to feel all the time.
What is confidence, and why does our personality “disappear” when we’re lacking it?
Confidence is having assurance in yourself. It’s trusting that your character will carry you through situations, and it’s the belief that you have the ability to change your life and the world.
Conversely, a lack of confidence means a lack of power. When you’re feeling insecure, you feel helpless, weak, unsure of yourself. You also become reliant on external validation. Other people’s opinions mean a lot. Behaviourally, this means that you take fewer risks, you don’t express yourself, you take up the minimum amount of physical space, follow others, and so on.
Your confidence fluctuates throughout the day, depending on what you’re doing, where you are, and who you’re around. If you happen to be around someone who makes you uncomfortable (either because they themselves lack confidence and are judging you, or because you simply perceive them to be judging you), there’s a good chance that your confidence will wane.
And when your confidence wanes, you begin to take on the traits of an insecure person. You begin to embody passivity and powerlessness. You get silent and become disconnected from your needs, thoughts and emotions. You may hear other people’s voices and opinions in your head, but it’s hard to distinguish those from your own.
The reason this happens is that you feel vulnerable, and so your body tries to protect you by shutting down emotionally. Your body’s intentions are good, but in reality, shutting down only furthers the insecure mood.
Breaking out of it
To break out of this state, you need to begin embodying a confident person, and often this means doing the opposite of what you feel like doing: putting yourself in the spotlight, taking the initiative, talking about things that are personal. The body follows the mind and the mind follows the body. If you begin acting like a confident person, you’ll start feeling like one too.
Here are a few tips for regaining your “voice,” when it seems to have disappeared.
Move. Be assertive
Get out of your seat, walk through the center of the room, even if it means people are looking at you, go grab a second serving of turkey, just begin taking up space and asserting your presence. If you have the choice between taking action and not taking action, take it.
Don’t wait for someone to ask you questions, just start sharing
Obviously don’t just start yakking about yourself out of nowhere. But as soon as you see even a slight opening, just jump into it. Your passions and projects are where your personality resides. Find a way to talk about what you’re up to, even if it’s just with one person on the side.
It’s important not to share expecting a reaction. If you open up, that’s a win. Period. Don’t anticipate a reaction or draw any value from their response. Simply share for the sake of sharing, because it’s fun to talk about the things you’re excited about. Once you do it, pat yourself on the back (metaphorically).
Often when we’re feeling insecure, we ask a lot of questions to avoid opening up ourselves. But confident people are leaders. Physically, this might translate as walking through a doorway first. Emotionally, being a leader often means going there first.
Go have a conversation with yourself
Go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror and get back in touch with who you are. List off all the qualities that make you awesome. Even if you don’t believe them in the moment, do it anyway.
Be silly about it, joke around with yourself if you need to. Just do whatever you can to remind yourself who that rad person is staring back at you.
Phone a friend
Find a quiet place and call a close friend that you’re comfortable around. You can talk about how you’re feeling right now or you can just chat about anything. Just talking with someone that you’re used to being yourself around will awaken that dormant personality inside.
Leave the situation
If all else fails, just leave. Really, there’s no reason must be there. You always have a choice.
Of course, when you’re feeling insecure you don’t believe you have any choices. But you do. If anyone asks, just say that you aren’t feeling well, and then leave. You’ll begin feeling like yourself again very very soon.
**
I’ll be spending this Thanksgiving with a bunch of other couchsurfing “orphans” in San Francisco. I’ll be around a big group of new people– something that would have terrified me a few years ago. But now, I’m cool with it. Now I know how to be myself around strangers, I feel that “assurance” in myself.
And if my does confidence slip? (And it does, from time to time.) Well then I know exactly what to do to get back.
When I was 20 I was a stupid had zero confidence and could barely converse with people. My friends poked fun at me and I never liked it but still I attributed it to my lacking confidence. I sucked at things which were too general and too intricate to explain. I couldn’t talk in a group thinking that I was being judged. Damn, no one should have to experience that ugliest feeling of insecurity. Then one day I got a chance to speak in public. It was basically a training session where I had to train a few guys on soft skills. I started off really nervous but gradually I started gaining confidence. I thought that If I muck it up they won’t believe me but if I have to earn their confidence I have to be confident. I chose the latter and throught the session I exhibited great confidence and to my surprise everybody liked the session. Even the organiser was really impressed. That day I learn that it is in our hands we can either screw things up and regret later or we can pretend to be confidence and then earn the real confidence. And great post as always Emilie. Keep it up.
You know what? This was one of my biggest realizations too. When you’re thrust into a position of leadership, you really have no choice but to step up. It’s such a great way to overcome your insecurities.
I definitely have my ups & downs with confidence levels (actually sort of going through one now). But the inner passionate fire in me still burns … and looking forward to that day when it fully comes out.
Have fun with the couchsurfers out in SF! I didn’t know you couchsurfed. Love meeting couchsurfers all the time 🙂
Thanks Harrison. It’s a fluctuating thing and there’s always a higher level that can be reached. Just keep at it, that’s what matters.
I’m new to couchsurfing, but so far it’s been great!
Great peace overall (as per usual). I think my favorite part is this:
“Go Home
“If all else fails, just leave. Really, there’s no reason must be there. You always have a choice.”
My roommate reminded me of that (by telling me how she did it herself) a few months ago and I’ve been consciously practicing that ever since. No, I don’t HAVE to go in the first place. Yes, I CAN leave whenever I want.
If I’m scared, or uncomfortable, or not having fun, or just plain tired… I’m allowed to take care of myself. That is a powerful action in and of itself, and I think as you point, people resonate with strong actions. So even if you’re ditching the party, you’re maintaining your integrity and personality.
Kudos!
Yup, I like that tip too. It’s exactly like you said, taking care of yourself is something that people who believe in themselves do. Just asserting your will in any form is a strong action.
Thanks Brian!
Love this! I’ve experienced this MANY times in my life and I do still from time to time. It’s really odd how all of a sudden you can have absolutely nothing to add to a conversation or experience. Now, I avoid situations where I know I’ll feel out of place and not enjoy myself. I’ll make an effort when it’s important, but usually, it’s not. And if I’m not enjoying myself with those people, they probably aren’t really enjoying my company either. And if I’m quiet and there, they probably wouldn’t notice me anyways so I’d rather do something I want to do instead.
As for your tips, awesome advice. You just have to put yourself out there on your own and not wait to be invited, IF you want to. I learned this awhile back… I would feel like no one cared, nobody wanted me around, etc., but really, I could have just said something!
xoxo
Hi Stephenie,
I try to avoid these situations now too. But it’s a balance, because on one hand, it’s sometimes good to push yourself and try new things. On the other hand, I know myself and if I know there’s a good chance that I’ll be uncomfortable somewhere, I prefer to just skip it.
I’ve learned though that when I meet someone new and my personality dissolves, that’s a sign that this person isn’t the right friend for me. On some level, I don’t feel comfortable being myself with them.
Thanks for the comment. 🙂
This post really resonated with me as I read it this morning. I’ve been going through a bit of down period that I realized yesterday was really my own doing. I had ideas but not the confidence to persue them. So I would talk about the ideas and wait for someone else to make them happen because I didn’t have the confidence to step out. I finally took a step on my own and everything began to fall into place. I’ve done this before but I’m learning, it doesn’t take me as long as it did at one time to realize what I’m doing to myself and change it.
That’s great, Rose! And I know what you mean, it’s so easy to fall back into that role of waiting for others to grant you permission. People can give you little nudges, but ultimately it’s up to you alone. Have you seen Chris’ Ted talk on this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unxL5RRhNb0.
I’m what you might call an “introvert who’s learned how to be extroverted.” I just naturally live on the “inside.” That said, extroversion is a big piece of getting the social connection we all need in life to thrive. Most people who meet me would NEVER know I’m an introvert, at least not right away. They also wouldn’t know I was the kid who stayed right close to Mommy and was terrified of “strangers.”
Best tip I ever got regarding confidence in social situations (which begets other kinds of confidence) was from my Mom. It’s simple: people like to talk about themselves so ask them a question about themselves!
Then be a good listener of course. And reciprocate where you can with your own stories or opinions or ideas.
From there it’s pretty easy 😉
Agreed. Of course, sometimes other people feel insecure themselves, in which case they may not want to open up about. But even then, if you can show that you’re not judging them, they’ll usually happily share about themselves.
I’m an introvert too. I think there’s a difference between being introverted and being shy though. Shyness seems to come as a result of lacking confidence– it’s fear based. While I believe that being introverted simply means that you enjoy your own company, are highly introspective and comfortable alone. That might translate into being more quiet in social settings, but it might not. Maybe it means that you’re outgoing and social with other people, but then you leave the party and go have a nice chill night alone with a book.
Yes! Shyness and introversion are definitely different (I was both but as an adult I’ve def. lost the shyness).
Sorry if I confused.
But confidence begets confidence like you say (act “as if”). I find that sometimes as an introvert I’m not always sure of what to say to strike up a conversation or hell, I’m just not in the mood. LOL! But asking an intelligent or just simple/friendly question is really the best ice breaker I know of and in truth it establishes your confidence very quickly, both for yourself and others in the room. It helps you feel in control when the confidence is waning.
Great post as always Emilie!
I love this! A couple of years I used to have a great amount of self-confidence but over the years this slowly dissipated. I was in a diminishing relationship, I no longer had a group of relate-able friends around, and just felt overall alone.
I cannot say I have fully recovered but I believe myself to be on the path to it. I started my blog and t-shirt line ( which feeds my soul), my daughter overjoys me everyday, and couchsurfing has been an outlet to meet people I genuinely enjoy talking to & understand my passion for the world! SO thank you for these amazing tips because while in this process it never hurts for help !!! THANKS
Hi Jeremy,
You point to something really interesting, which is how we derive our confidence from various sources in our life (a relationship, friends, career, etc.) I think that’s normal and healthy. But I also think that we also need to learn to cultivate confidence from within, so that if all those things were to be stripped away, we would still believe in ourselves.
It’s a long and hard process, certainly. I also think that the confidence you derive from those lifestyle elements can be transferred to a core level. It’s like the entrepreneur who knows that if their business were to fail, they’d be able to start over from scratch because they have what it takes inside.
Congrats on the blog and t-shirt line and on all the wonderful things you mentioned! It sounds like you’re well on your way.
Timely subject!
I’ve grown up with a great deal of confidence, but as I became an adult and have gone through life changes, it has disappeared in waves. It’s almost like when I enter a new phase and am changing myself, I become un-confident until I figure out what I want to become.
Happy Thanksgiving, and thank you for sharing a personal subject:)
Interesting. Why do you think that is?
I was confident as a kid, until about the age of ten, then it plummeted through my teen years and sprung back up in my mid-twenties when I consciously took things into my own hands. I’m curious to see where things go from here.
Wow, your story at the beginning about feeling numb, powerless, disconnected… was my entire youth + my early twenties (and occasionally beyond). For the most part, I overcame that. I still have my moments, but I certainly am more secure in who I am, my values, etc. And I find it way easier to share that with people.
The way I overcame that was by working on being a good listener first. I started by taking a very sincere interest in others, asking questions, getting to know people on a very real level. Practicing empathy/compassion. When I really listened to people and learned about their life/ struggles, I realized how vulnerable we ALL are and I was able to share more.
I also did what you mentioned, about taking action instead of doing nothing. I took a lot more initiative to start conversations and make plans with others.
Very cool, Denise. Thanks for sharing.
It’s so interesting because I’m sure that people who didn’t know me, thought I was just a simple, quiet girl, with not much to say. Heh pretty funny how wrong that is… I try to remember this now when I meet someone who seems to not have much to say. It’s more likely a confidence issue than anything.
Asking questions and really paying attention to the answers is good advice. It also probably made you feel more comfortable eventually reciprocating.
Things that help me are:
Working out
Stretching
Asking random people how they’re doing or joking around.
Alcohol, for social purposes 🙂
As for Thanksgiving it’s tough, because people’s jobs, kids, etc. are boring to me. So with smalltalk I can be Seinfeld and make jokes about nothing and that helps. “How bout’ that triptafen there, huh? Oh, help me I’m fallen on the couch and I can’t get up!” blah, blah
Some of my relatives play instruments a bit, so we can jam and that works too.
These are great, Josh. They’re all about embodying the traits of a confident person (well except for maybe the drinking. 🙂 But confident people are assertive, proud of what they got and take the lead. Your actions are all manifestations of those mindsets.
Wow, thanks for this post Emilie. It really spoke to me. You wrote, “When you’re feeling insecure, you feel helpless, weak, unsure of yourself. You also become reliant on external validation. Other people’s opinions mean a lot. Behaviourally, this means that you take fewer risks, you don’t express yourself, you take up the minimum amount of physical space, follow others, and so on.”
That is so spot on, particularly the external validation part. As I’ve gotten older and moved through the corporate ranks, I think my confidence level has definitely *dropped* in my full-time professional work, which is the opposite of what one would expect as one gains experience/wisdom/grey hairs. But, I find myself second-guessing my decisions and having “paralysis by analysis” when faced with providing opinions or defending positions.
Ironically, I feel way more confident in my personal life, such as my music and when traveling abroad and speaking foreign languages, things are supposed to be the “hobbies” and “side projects”, rather than the success as defined by your career. Hmmmmm, go figure. I just launched my own site and posted my first blog entry, and am feeling the need for validation in what I am doing on that front too, but in a different way.
Thanks to you and so many other multipotentialite, non-conformists for shining a light for me! Hope you are enjoying CS-SF…we met some cool CS folks down in Rio de Janeiro this past May.
I wonder if what you’re experiencing in your career has to do with having “more to lose” as you ascend the ranks? I think responsibility and success can actually make people more afraid to take risks and “be wrong.”
Congrats on your personal projects and the blog! That’s really wonderful, Tom! 🙂
Hi Emilie, I think you are definitely on to something there. And thank you for the kind words!
Out of all your posts, this one resonates the most with me! You describe exactly what I went through when I first met my bf’s friends. It was as if I suddenly lost everything that made me..ME! I couldn’t get myself to speak up, much less interact with anyone. I might as well have been a fly on the wall. I wished I read this many years ago.
I DO talk to myself before a social event I dread. I spend all day hammering soothing & loving words in my head or I write it down. It really does work.
This post I will add to my bookmarks, because my insecurity issues wax and wanes throughout my life.
Thank you, Mika! That really means a lot.
Feeling like a fly on the wall is so painful. You really feel like you have no power. (I sort of wish I had read this many years ago too. 🙂
One of my biggest ah-hahs with confidence came when I realized I didn’t have to show up to family get-togethers. After 10 years of attending these and realizing that one favored family member and I weren’t really getting along, I stopped going. It’s still not easy, and I can fall into feelings of being a bitch because I’m the one who’s chosen not to show up. But I really don’t miss the two weeks of worrying before the get-together and the two weeks of replaying the bad incidents afterward. It really helped to feel like I had a choice.
Love this post and all the others on here. Very inspiring. I actually have a tip I thought I’d share (not sure how many people might see it in the comments, maybe you’ll want to share it in a future post). When I read the part about just going up to someone and talking about your interests, it reminded me of some advice I received once. ASK someone else about THEIR passions and interests. This will get them to open up and shine through to you, and in turn you will be much more comfortable opening up and sharing with them. It can be awkward to start sharing with them and especially if they aren’t interested in your passions, you will be able to tell if they are a little closed off or feeling like, “why is this person telling me this” even if they are politely nodding and following along. We all love to feel like others truly care about us and are interested in us, so be that person! show some interest, care about those around you, and you will be cared about in return. People will remember you when you act like this, you make them feel good, and you will make friends. They will also look up to you as an influencer and seem more confident to them, especially if they were in this situation, lacking confidence or feeling like an outsider. Plus it beats small talk, just get right into the meaty stuff 🙂
With every article of yours that I read, I am just amazed that there is someone else (and judging by the comments you get, lots of someone elses) who knows exactly how I have felt in so many instances. It’s like you’re in my head!
“It’s not just that I was afraid to share my opinions, It was more like I didn’t have any opinions at all. My identity had simply dissolved. That inner voice that normally told me who I was and what I thought, had gone silent.”
THIS is a perfect description of how I feel every single time I’m around people I don’t know. And sometimes, even around people I do know (depending on which people I’m around). It’s frustrating.
Thank you SO much for this post!
I’m going through a bout of horrible insecurity at the moment, and looked to this website because the idea of ‘losing’ my personality exactly fit what was going on with me.
The problem is, it’s not with strangers that I’ve never met before. It’s with my best friends in the world. We’ll all be together, when suddenly I’ll wonder “if I wasn’t here, would they actually miss me? Am I necessary here? Do they even want me to be here?”
I go silent, fold in on myself and can barely listen to their conversation, let alone have input in it.
I’ll still be able to speak to them, but I can’t be my usual boisterous self because of this irking self doubt gnawing away at me.
A new person has recently entered my friendship group, and it feels to me like I’m being replaced. I know full well that this is not the case, but there is a mental block in my head that’s forcing me to think that I’m so easily replaced that this new girl will just take over immediately. I’m not bitter or resentful of her, because she’s a genuinely lovely girl, but sometimes I wonder if she’s be a better fit in the group than me.
I’m attempting to get out of myshell around them again, but it’s going to take time and a build up of confidence to be able to be back to my usual self. Your article has helped me to reaclise that I’m not the only person going through this awful thing, and it’s made me think that I can actually do this, because other people have.
So thank you, so much, for kick-starting me on becoming myself again, at last.
I’m 22 years old, and I’m feeling exactly like this. I’m in a relationship that I don’t contribute, I don’t have needs or wills. I’ve lost most of my friends because I’ve changed so much since I started dating him. He’s a little bit older than me but very mature and selective. He says I’m empty inside. I just stand there, waiting for commands to act, waiting to do what he wants do do. I was a selfish person at the beggining of the relationship. I’ve made too many mistakes and then I just went blank. I’d rather do nothing instead of doing the wrong thing, we had so many fights that I couldn’t argue in my favor, so I realized he was always right and I was always wrong and selfish. I started doing everything to him, started being like him. I’ve lost who I used to be. Now I’m nothing.
Yikes, I’m sorry to hear that. If it helps at all, I think this is a pretty common first/young relationship sort of dynamic. As you get older, you will likely find that your confidence grows and that you start having healthier relationships.
This is so me right now. I can’t drive so I’m stuck at home all the time. I befriended 2 other friends on Facebook with a love for my favorite band. We got very close, talking every day all 3 together and individually. Then, I found they had been in a relationship for 4 months without telling me. I felt devastated and now I am so jealous of their friendship that I don’t know what to do. Your article in many ways is just how I feel. Sad, bitter and so sad that the friendships aren’t what they once were. Don’t know how to branch out and find others to be close to and am scared to open my heart again.
Emilie your words describe every moment I’m living and I haven’t clearly realized what was goin on Inside of me until I read ur words.This past 2years I have been going through a struggle with my husband and along these 2 years I have lost my self more n more. I have always had some insecurities Growing up but when he came to my life he showed mr how a great person I am
Took away all my insecurities and made me love my self but only with him around. I had to have him in everything I do for 7years I didn’t enjoy anything without him. Only to realise a month ago that the love and security in my life crushed away cuz he cheated on me. This past 2 years He had very tough circumstances financially, with his parents, with his work enviroment and all I could see that he became judging, blaming me for everything I did and didn’t do.. and I had a very tough time as my baby girl was born and I was sleep deprived day n night.. I saw him change I saw the lies the change in his affection, everything that we built our relationship upon has changed n I suspected his cheating many many times but he denied it now I realise all my misery was because of another woman when I asked for divorce he collapsed n said he doesn’t want his life without me n all he wants is to stay with me I gave him another chance but now I feel like I’m running back after the security n love he used to give me but can’t feel them can’t be happy with a nice word he says. I feel powerless don’t have the ideas or courage to talk to ppl I’m trying to get a new job but I’m scared of my downside. I don’t know how to act anymore with anything around me including him… sorry for the long post i just feel so lonely and lost
to what “mama” said.
you devoted every ounce of your energy to your husband, and in that process you forgot what made you unique.
I am having a bit of a crisis myself, that’s how I found this site. I literally googled “I feel like I have lost my personality”. And Emilie’s post almost scared me because it was EXACTLY how I am feeling.
I’ve set a date that’s going to be my deadline to pull all my crap together, which will be my birthday in fall this year.I decided that I’m going to make a list of all my personality traits that last time I remember being 100% comfortable with myself. I’m going to read it everyday, talk to myself in the mirror, go out more, and basically just fake it till i make it.
I put on 40 pounds of weight over the past 1.5 years because I just forgot who I am. But i’m going to make it go.
“Mama”, I want you to make a list of who you were before you met your husband. and don’t think that you had nothing before him. Everyone in this world has something unique to offer and you just need to dig into your memory until you remember exactly what makes you amazing. Don’t resent your past, just force yourself back into your body and make a great future. You can do it, we all can!
I was picked on a lot when I was younger. I decided to lift weights run and do football to turn into a beast so no one would dare mess with me. It worked and I am confident about school and my physical abilities and looks now but the one thing that I can’t seem to be confident about is girls. I suck at being me around them. I’m nice and generally help out the little man but act like enough of a hard ass to keep people from messing with me. I think that kind of scared off girls and I don’t think I am loveable. Likeable yes because I have many friends and some guys at school even idolize me but loveable no. It might also be useful to know I have a decent amount of patience but when I’m mad I’m like the Incredible Hulk. People have remarked on that many times. So when I’m around a girl I like I kind of just shut down because I don’t know how I’m supposed to behave. I am 18 and I’ve never had a girlfriend never even kisses a girl and I am scared I will be alone forever.
Hey John,
You’re not alone. I felt similar when I was 18 (for different reasons obviously). I think it’s really common to worry that you’ll end up alone when you’re that age. Hold tight, things will happen for you.
Also, hit up my friend Rami if you need girl advice. 🙂
Just wanted to say that topic really hit the spot for me tonight. I was just hanging out with friends and I said something kind of inappropriate, I was feeling a little shamed for it the rest of the time so I just went home. It was bothering me so much that I ended up googleing how to get over it and this website came up. Pretty cool 🙂
I struggle with feeling insecure often, (to be honest almost always) my life has changed significantly recently. New city, new home, new people, and a new job.. ( which by the way, I’m not used to working at all) I’m a pretty girl, been told that all my life… and I’m 6 ft tall… I’ve always been told I’m awesome and have a great personality but for some reason I don’t believe any of that… I’m trying to be myself, why us it so hard?
I used to be a really outgoing, funny, and down-right daring, always taking the spotlight, and often very spontaneous contributing into conversations. But all these started to fade away after a 6 month break from school. During this 6 months I rarely talk to anyone, often spending my time alone doing my daily routines, and right now after the first week of my freshman year of college, I feel like I’ve ‘lost’ my personality and always feeling insecure all the time. I’m really uncomfortable with people around me and I forgot almost everything about myself. I can’t think of anything about myself when talking to people, especially around new people where I want to open myself to them. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Everyday I wake up I start to worry about things like what to say when around people, what to do, which is eating me up inside because I was the person who enjoyed life to the fullest and now all I do is worry. I feel lost and I don’t know where to start to find back my personality. Maybe I’m just changing I don’t know. Please help.
Jaysen,
All I can say is I’ve been there. It’s going to take time, but start with small steps. Reach out to someone you want to be friends with, initiate a conversation. And work on telling your inner bully to take a hike when he shows up. Small steps, and it’ll get easier.