What emotion comes to your mind when you think of 2020?
For me, right now, it’s joy.
As in, “does anyone remember what joy feels like?”
Well… that’s not entirely fair. There’s still joy to be found. For example, this year I became an uncle for the first time. Pictures of my new nephew during lockdown—and cuddles since—have been a genuine, deep joy.
I’m choosing that word deliberately. Joy. It’s a short word, easy to skirt over. But it’s deeper than happiness, purer than ecstasy, more powerful than mere pleasure. And it’s important. Even living a long lifetime of nothing but calm contentment would be lacking without joy. Joy isn’t a luxury emotion; it’s a necessity.
But joy no longer seems as easy to come by as it once did.
In search of that pure childish joy
Ask yourself this: “when did you last experience joy?”
If I were to ask my childhood self I’m sure they would respond—at great length—about the most recent exciting thing I’d experienced. But as I’ve gotten older, the answer has been harder to find. “Joy, you say? Joy?! When did I last feel joy? Hm. Let me think…”
This question shouldn’t be difficult. My life is far from joyless. But as I pore over my memories, I find myself discounting mere moments of happiness. None of them—whether good news or triumph—bring to mind the sort of unmitigated joy I remember from my childhood. To my adult mind, there’s always a string attached.
A prestigious invitation means anxiety over everything I’ll have to do to prepare. A career win never quite solves all my problems. A new passion will inevitably fade. Even the delight at the birth of my nephew got me worrying about the state of the world we’re leaving for his generation.
Sometimes this wears me down. I miss that no-strings-attached joy. Occasionally I feel jaded, fearing that nothing will ever live up to that feeling again and that my enjoyment of everything is doomed to dissipate.
But I simply don’t believe that we’re destined for joy to gradually leave us like air departing a party balloon. Something is getting in the way and preventing me from reconnecting with my joy. And that something… well… it’s probably me, isn’t it? Let’s figure it out.
**
The first place to search for clues is in moments of genuine joy from the last few years. Some moments are personal—with family, friends, births or relationships. Others are about relief at the end of a difficulty. And many of them hold the joy of discovering something new: a passion I hadn’t suspected I had, a delight in diving into a whole new world of learning.
But, looking closer, I find myself wondering if these moments I’m labelling “joy” are really all the same emotion. Is the joy at the birth of a nephew the same as the joy of discovering a new interest? What about the joy of creating something versus the joy of consuming something? Does it really make sense to use the same word to refer to all of these concepts? Even vocalizing the question makes it clear that these aren’t all quite the same emotion.
Which means that the joy at the beginning of something doesn’t have to be the same as the joy of going deeper. Perhaps when I’m perceiving that “joy has gone missing,” I’m really pining for the joy of novelty. After all, it would make sense that there’s less of that particular joy as I get older. Everything was new to my childhood self.
This may also explain my occasional jadedness at going deeper into a passion, hobby or project; I’ve gotten so focused on that one particular type of “joy from novelty” that I miss all the others. There’s joy to be found in mastery, and in improvement, and in the deepening of a craft, career or relationship. Entering a flow state may not always be exhilarating, but it’s still a kind of joy.
If I wanted to coin a deepity—a bit of nonsense that sounds profound—then at this point I might say something wise-sounding, like “passion doesn’t fade, it changes,” so I could moralize about how important it is to appreciate all the different types of joy that I’m ignoring. But the thought annoys me. It’s all very well being told that “joy is there to be appreciated,” but that knowledge doesn’t help with how.
What am I supposed to do? Sit around consciously trying to appreciate joy?! I can’t think of anything less joyous.
The pattern that cracks the case
Returning to the scene to look for more clues yields one more important observation. Those moments I called “joy” were all different, but they shared something in common. In each of them, I was living in the moment. In a flow state, deep in a project. Fully absorbed in learning something new. Completely focused on having fun. Being fully present is a necessary component of feeling joy.
(It may not be a sufficient component; it’s quite possible to be fully present and have a terrible time. But without being fully present, there’ll be no joy.)
Perhaps it’s not that joy is fading after all, I’m just burying it under worries and thoughts and troubles and concerns, and it takes a lot of joy to break out from beneath all those layers.
This makes joy seem much more attainable. Rather than actively trying to feel grateful—and irritating myself with false, forced gratitude—I simply have to stop overanalyzing and relax into whatever I’m doing.
…I suddenly wonder… does it count as overanalyzing your emotions to write a thousand words about one of them?
Maybe. But I got into flow as I was doing it, and am feeling pretty joyous right now. I hope you can do the same today, whatever you’re working on.
Your Turn
When did you last experience joy? And how could you connect with it more in your current life? Share with the community in the comments.
Amazing how something so simple can be so complex or probably it really is what it is, simple.
So, could it be that we are the ones complicating it by our thoughts /assumptions of what we imagine that joy should be?
The more I ponder, I’m thinking that the clues to finding joy and staying joyful is to be found in kids. Kids don’t over analyze. They live for the moment or it’s probably because they don’t have to deal with the pressures of everyday living. There could be more.
I think if prioritize purposefully by pursuing joy the same way we prioritize other stuff like health, etc, and not use them as joy substitutes, we will have happier people. The year 2020 certainly asks this of us.
Absolutely. That childish ability to be in the moment is easy to lose once we’re beset by all the worries of adulthood. Of course it’s not so easy – we usually aim to shield children from the need to worry by handling problems ourselves. *Someone* has to handle them. But I hope we can find space for joy and enjoyment, too… even in 2020.
Truly insightful! I was reflecting on the hundreds of new hobbies I tried since my childhood and what exactly was the thing that made me feel good about them, and why I finally didn’t continue doing them. The joy of novelty works, but further than that, you made the point on the idea of being fully present, connected with your authentic version, having space for spontaneous moments, and flow. Quite hard thing to do but absolutely true.
Thanks Neil!
I’m glad it helped you to reflect! I don’t think there’s a single answer to this, but spending time reflecting on where we find our joy can only help us find more of it. Good luck being present to your own joy today 😀
Joy is usually found in playing a game for me, often with others. Sometimes at a classical concert I feel pure joy. Singing with other people when the harmonies sound just right, or having sex. When I look at that list it isn’t things which are difficult to find…..which is nice ??
I love that list! The harmony of a group of people singing is SUCH an underrated pleasure. (Though these days it’s a little harder to come by, except over Zoom..!) But yes, when I take a step back I see that many of my joys are relatively easy to find – the trick is carving out the opportunities to engage in them 🙂
For me joy is a deep feeling which comes when I feel connected. In such moments I have no doubt that life is absolutely meaningful. I also feel deeply grateful than. With the feeling of joy I‘m more open and more friendly to the people around me. All of this makes joy somehow spiritual for me.I recently had an immense feeling of joy after having read a book about someone finding (miraculously) back to life and finding a completely new and good purpose for his own life.
Yes! I wasn’t really thinking of those deep moments of connection & meaning but they’re definitely joyous for me too. They seem elusive compared to the simpler joys of being absorbed in something I love, but maybe that means I should put more effort into cultivating them. Thank you!
oddly, the subject of joy was in my thoughts today. I recently had the pump on my dishwasher fail. rather than replace it just now, I decided to shift to washing my dishes by hand. WOW! How did I ever forget the anti-entropic joy of playing in the water, the sparkle of shiny bubbles, enjoying the different temperatures, the satisfaction of completing a necessary and simple chore and not least at all, the opening of yet-another perfect-for-mediation opportunity. If you’d asked me beforehand whether I would find joy in this, I doubt I would have accepted the notion. But joyful it is!
Wow! If my dishwasher broke I would be inconsolable :cry laughing emoji: but I’m really happy (and inspired!) to hear it brought you to such a mindful, joyous place!
I think the last time Joy visited was when my new kitten got up the courage to come out and sit on my lap. I had been incapable of sleep. It was about 2am. I had made some turmeric tea and had just sat down on the couch.
He came out from under the couch, tail down. He jumped up and came right over. Matter-of-factly getting on my lap. Proceeds to purr very loudly. Petted him for the first time. Joy was all over.
Sadly, the last time I experienced pure joy was years ago. Yes, there are regular moments of happiness, pleasure, but joy, I have only very rarely experienced it and that to for a fleeting moment. Surprisingly, I know that it is there, just below the surface, aching to come out but feels like it is unable to break the layers upon layers of conditioning. Hope one day I will find a way out.
Well explained
as somebody who took overanalysing to a whole another level, i’d say I’m convinced
but after all, I’ve been like this for years and when I think of living in the present I think about how dangerous it is
I was never the type of guy who says a word without going through the conversation that word could have ended up with
it’s like I’m too scared to let go of overthinking and these kinds of stuff