No, those aren’t for you, let’s look at the boys’ section.
I was browsing toys with my son when those words floated in from the next aisle. I heard a few more instances of No, followed by some pleas to stay. Then I saw them. A woman was dragging a small child into our aisle, where the trucks and other shiny plastic vehicles lived. “This is the right section for boys. You can look here,” she explained. The kid halfheartedly looked at a few things before asking if they could leave. (Try to picture a child asking to leave the toy section, if you can.) And so they went, but they left behind one angry adult: me.
While my son continued to point out different toys to me, I had to restrain myself from shouting after the woman, “Toys have no gender!”
It only took a few moments to calm myself, but the feelings of anger and resentment stuck with me for the rest of the day. Okay, apparently they stuck with me longer than that because here you are reading my thoughts about it. I was angry because it brought up feelings from my own childhood, where I was steered toward objects and interests that were “more suited” to my perceived gender. As a kid, I had enough interests to fill a granite quarry, and initially I had no internal filter for “girl things” and “boy things.” I had to be taught what was appropriate for me, although I never understood the why behind it. I only knew that there were things I wanted to pursue and things I didn’t.
I didn’t want to play baseball, but I did want to play with stuffed animals and make paper crafts. I also loved building forts and climbing trees. I noticed that girls could climb trees and make forts, too. What did that mean? I could play Star Wars on the playground with my friend Susan, but playing dolls together was not an approved activity. Why were some things okay and other things wrong? Was there a secret Activities According to Gender Handbook locked away somewhere?
If you’ve ever heard a parent say, “Take away that doll, I don’t want a sissy for a son,” or “She can’t keep playing in the dirt, it’s not ladylike,” then you’ve seen some of the most obvious gender policing at work. When grownups try to tell children what’s appropriate for them based solely on their perceived gender, they are likely telling them that some of their interests are wrong or shameful. We currently live in a world full of adults who have lived their lives believing that certain aspects of their personalities are, in fact, defective.
As a grownup and a parent, I understand now that my parents, grandparents and teachers were only doing what they thought was best for me—based on their own background, culture and religion. I don’t harbor any blame for anyone. But when I heard that child in the toy aisle being taught what was “appropriate,” I felt the resentment and confusion come back up. I marveled at the fact that, 40-odd years later, the genderism of interests is still happening.
I started to wonder more about how our society teaches us to inhibit our interests solely based on gender.
Why do we assign gender to activities?
Because I like science and not just thinking up stuff on my own all the time, I searched for studies on how and why humans decide which activities are appropriate for their particular gender. The most recent paper I found was prepared by researchers at The University of Iowa and the University of Illinois in 2009. The 27-page report actually turned out to be a composite of previous studies going back to the early 1900s. Many of the studies cited showed that males tend to pursue STEM activities, and women are more attracted to people-centered activities.
Mirroring the idea of binary gender itself, the spectrum of human interests seems to be separated into two categories:
Male: brainy, strong things
Female: cuddly, emotional things
As I pored over all this fancy research, I began to wonder: if the studies were conducted on adults in decades past when, for example, it was strange or even taboo for a woman to pursue any occupation at all, was the research skewed by that fact? Would the average young girl of the 1910s really tend to not pursue engineering simply because of their chromosomes? Would girls of that era even consider that a career in engineering was possible??
In fact, the authors of the paper concluded that:
“Despite the importance of interests in educational–occupational choices and the widespread belief that substantial sex differences exist, there has been no comprehensive review quantifying the magnitude and examining the nature of sex differences in interests.”
With that disappointingly empty-handed conclusion, I decided that I would keep my focus on the experience of gendered pursuits rather than explore the abyssal depths of why. Anyway, I was getting a headache.
The agony of gender segregation
I am a non-binary human, which means that I don’t identify as strictly as male or female. For me, being sorted into assumed groups for activities can be awkward at best and agonizingly painful at worst. I’ve witnessed gender segregation countless times. In my life it has appeared in various scenarios, of which I will share two of my favorites.
Scenario 1
At extended family gatherings in the past, I was often sent to hang out in the garage rather than to chat in the kitchen or living room, which I preferred. The reason for this is simple: the cars and tools are in the garage, and that’s where the men are supposed to be. If you’re perceived as male, you therefore belong in the garage. If this happens to you, my advice is to come back with grease or dirt somewhere on your person, or you might be heckled for not giving the activity your full participation.
Scenario 2
I worked on a trial team, and we’d converted a hotel ballroom into our workspace. We were connected to a shared server, which frequently went down. The person who set it up and knew how to fix it was a paralegal, who also happened to be a woman. That didn’t stop the lead attorney from consistently approaching my male coworker and asking him to fix the server. Every time this happened, my coworker would tell the attorney, “Carolyn fixes that for us,” and every time we would have to turn to Carolyn and ask her to fix the server—in full view of the attorney! I thought at some point we were going to see him get strangled by a LAN cable.
These are only two examples, and the experience of gendered activities and roles is very individual. Fellow Puttylike writer Malika Ali-Harding related, “I ran into gender issues and expectations on the job during my filmmaking life. People expected me to be maternal on set, in my role as director, which I found absurd. There are probably a whole bunch of ways I could’ve done better work in that role, but the gendered casting frustrated me.”
And what do we do with those who, like me, do not fall into the gender binary? How do we slot them into the proper pursuits and groups if we can’t define their gender as male or female? When you start to consider the existence of non-binary people, the whole concept of gendered interests completely falls apart.
Are we doomed to conventional gender roles?
Although history has shown us that activities often fall into gendered categories, we don’t have to continue the paradigm. Those of us who become interested in new things by the hour or minute shouldn’t limit ourselves to the interests that are mysteriously defined by our chromosomes. The very word multipotentialite expresses the idea that we allow ourselves to pursue many potential interests. We don’t cut ourselves off at a certain number, so why do it by gender?
The best way to change the gendering of pursuits paradigm is to start with ourselves. If you want to fix up classic cars, do it! If you’re suddenly enthralled by the myriad doilies on Pinterest, then dive in. Don’t let others shame you away from following a path that isn’t gender-typical by society’s standards. As multipods, we’re already atypical, so why not celebrate further by expanding our range of interests as far as we can?
By the same token, I believe it’s our job to make sure that we leave space open for others to participate in activities that would otherwise be segregated by gender. We have a huge opportunity to lead by example, and to be expansive and welcoming.
And, if you ever have the chance, try browsing every aisle of the toy section—even if you don’t have kids. Browsing is free. And so is expanding your horizons.
Your turn
Do you have any hobbies or interests that aren’t traditionally considered appropriate for your perceived gender? Have you ever been told to do (or not do) something because of gendered expectations? Share your story in the comments!
Such an important topic! I remember reading that in the early 80’s, about 40% of computer programmers were women, and that when personal computers came on the market a little later, they were majorly marketed towards boys, and THAT was a major contributor to the reduction of women in tech. I think it’s fewer than 20% now? It’s pretty crazy to think how much power
marketing has – that a team essentially thought, “Oh, let’s make our target customer young boys”, and influenced entire generations of women from entering the field.
Ahh, yes. I remember that! The power of marketing to dictate what we “should” be buying and doing is still dominating society. Isn’t it astounding?
I’m a non-binary person in a female body and all my life have been drawn to interests that are either less gendered (there actually are some) or traditionally considered male rather than activities considered female. It seems that most traditionally female activities are not only valued less but involve being careful, calm, restrained and patient, as well as lots of repetition, caring about appearances, and deep immersion in humanity, none of which are my strengths. About 35 years ago In a social studies class in high school I did a research project on gender role stereotyping because I was already very upset about not fitting into the boxes. While I did really well in math in high school that tanked when I hit university but I didn’t really care because of my greater interest in understanding things that were alive on a slightly less theoretical level.
I get very upset by the genderedness of toys, clothes and anything else for children and it seems to have gotten worse instead of better. There are only about 5% of toys where you cannot tell instantly which gender they are targeted to. These days a tree climbing girl with a wooden sword and a plastic crocodile as a “doll” might be more accepted, but would still be part of a minority.
I have no idea why there must be always something that the genders use as tribal markers to differentiate themselves. In what locker room could a guy admit that they like “chick flicks”, never mind exposing silk underwear? At which playground is the mother with grease stuck under her fingernails who wants to talk about how to extract a stripped screw as accepted as the one who brings up the latest low-fat recipe? I know a maker of rugs and wall hangings that openly declares that “male hookers have more fun” on his wares, but if this gender divide no longer existed he would lose his marketing angle.
Since that social studies project I still wonder what kind of content to produce and how to put it out into the world. I’m living “gender inbetweenness” as a rather solitary example that few people see as anything other than “that weird woman with short hair and a bunch of sled dogs”. Also, I try to give my nieces and nephews toys that are gender neutral, or at least not gender offensive.
Re “gender inbetweenness” – I love that.
My daughter used to work at the LEGO store. One day a woman came in and asked her to direct her to the “girls” section. My daughter waved her hand over the store and told her the whole store is the girls’ section (gotta love her, right?). The woman got annoyed and repeatedly asked to be shown which LEGO were for girls. Sigh.
Gender Backlash…
When you look at footage of teenagers around the 70′ or 80′, you may notice that it is sometimes hard to distinguish the sex: men wore long hairs, women wore short hairs, all wore flares and wide sweaters that masked the sexual characteristics.
Today, form and colours are gender-related and that is mostly commercially-driven: If you have color-distinction and a sibling of the other sex is born into a family, the whole wardrobe has to be replaced, same with toys. So the businesses are interested in olive-green hulk-shirts and pink glitterskirts, as red, blue, green or yellow and form-neutral clothes wouldn’t be necessary to replace. At home, it wouldn’t be a problem but in kindergarten, a boy with a frilly skirt would sadly become the laughingstock of his peers. It is less a problem for girls who are more often allowed to become tomboys when they are small. Not so much when they are teens…
As a math-teacher, I saw a selection-bias, that made me often angry: I had the upper level of math, in it only 1/3 of my pupils were girls (7th grade). But of those 8 girls, 7 were in the upper half of the class-performance, whereas in the lower math class of my collegue, there were many strong girls. Do you see the statistical bias? Allready the selection process into the 7th grade was faulty and strong girls landed in the lower class whereas I had boys who, in direct comparison, would have performed lower than the girls in the lover level. On the other hand, I had boys who were clearly language proficient and very communicative, and still they thought for themselfs, that they should pursue a technical carreer. Pure stupidity, as I saw that they weren’t really interested in the math but in beeing chatterboxes with their peers. Usually this decision was family driven, often by their fathers. So this gender-boxes often confine the real talents of a teenager who is entering the professional world. When they are older, they may change the profession again but wouldn’t it be better, if they would find their calling free of this gender-bias?
Yes, unfortunately I see many instances where parents have pushed their kids into one path or another based on gender. Thankfully, there is a burgeoning movement today of introducing girls to STEM early on. As I see from other comments, we still have to work hard to make sure that those in charge of our children’s education don’t hinder their interests based on their own internal biases.
I recently have allowed myself to explore coding for websites. I am working on a course in it and it’s really fun! I’m non-binary, too, raised as a girl, and for the longest time I never even realized that I COULD be interested and even succeed as a web developer/someone working with computers. My dad is a computer systems engineer for a hospital network and my mom’s a musician, so I was never encouraged to pursue anything with computers, only music. And now that I’m an adult and trying things out and exploring this, I still get questions of “Do you really like it?” with puzzled expressions. I was always very brainy and loved to read, research, and excel in academics and in some ways even the way I did that seemed “wrong” for my “gender”. The constant gender-policing that I see and that still happens today is exhausting and I hope soon our culture, led by the Pride movement, will begin to evolve and as you said, just let people be people.
Rain, that’s awesome! I’m so happy you found your love for coding (first bump). It really is fun, isn’t it?
*fist bump
Companies earn more money if they provide toys for each gender. If you have a son and a daughter you need everything twice. One blue and one pink. So all the advertising is going to tell you that boys have to wear and play the blue stuff and not to touch the pink. We need more of your posts to come over this. So thanks very much.
Hi Susan, that’s really interesting – I’m seeing a lot of people here commenting on the business and marketing aspect of genderization. I wish I had explored that more in the article, because it’s really a common thread.
I love to cook and am most comfortable in the kitchen, which in the past was seen as a woman’s domain. Today both men and women can be seen in the kitchen. I also do some grilling and smoking which is out door cooking and is typically viewed as male area, but I don’t see the difference they are both cooking. The only real difference is one is indoors and the other is outdoors.
Yes! One of my favorite movies is Ratatouille, and one of my favorite scenes is where Collete is teaching Linguini to prep food. She puts her knife to Linguini’s face and says, “People think that cooking is cute, like Mommy in the kitchen. Well, here orders pile up fast…and you CANNOT BE MOMMY!”
In high school I signed up for auto mechanics for my elective because I wanted to be able to handle it if my car broke down. My guidance counselor pulled me out because she felt it was not an appropriate class and assigned me to work in the office that period. I chose to stay there not because I agreed with her assessment but because the teacher did not want me in his class and I knew I wouldn’t get treated fairly. I had been the only female in my AutoCAD class and that teacher taught me with respect and never underestimated my intelligence. I refused to settle for less from a teacher who should have known better.
Hi Sonia, that is a shame that you got pulled out of auto. I don’t understand why we can’t just let kids pursue what they’re interested in without “correcting” them. You might enjoy this YouTube channel where Faye Hadley teaches auto mechanics. She’s pretty awesome. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixYXgv3RRss
Ooooh thanks!!
I didn’t experience this much personally because I’m a straight person who identifies as female, and most of my pursuits as a child were traditionally female. I did notice this type of gendered filtering and shaming a lot when I was in dance. It was considered perfectly fine for a female to be in ballet, but men in ballet(if they were brave enough to even join), were(and still are) labeled as gay. While there’s nothing wrong with being gay or transgender, that’s beside the point. There’s no logical reason why a straight man who loves dance should be frowned upon and labeled as anything but the label he gives himself.
I also think that while these gender issues go both ways, it seems a little more acceptable for a girl to take on “boy” interests than it is for boys to take on “girl” interests. Girls who do that are “tomboys” and it’s assumed that someday they’ll grow out of it and adopt more traditionally feminine behaviors. Boys who enjoy traditional traditionally female activities are called “sissies.” I hate to use the word but it’s still used a lot.
And like you said, if you’re nonbinary, are you ever dropping a bombshell on this whole societal construct.
Oh, and I just remembered–dance used to be an activity that was considered important for both men and women in society. I believe ballet became popular in France because a king(can’t remember his name) loved it and brought it into his court. Men in the Regency and Victorian eras, especially those in high society, were expected to learn ballroom dance because it was a major part of their main social events(think Jane Austen). Little boys and girls were often dressed the same in the nursery and that was almost considered child abuse until now. It wasn’t until the 1920s when gender norms became much more rigid. “Real men” no longer danced, and pink was reserved for girls and blue for boys, even though it used to be the exact opposite.
These are just a few examples that show just how arbitrary this gendered division of interests is. This history comes almost entirely from the U.S. and I wonder how it is in other places in the world.
Isn’t in fascinating how these ideas shift over time? You’d think we’d be progressing.
When I was a kid, my mom was a dance teacher (jazz/tap/ballet). The only reason I didn’t pursue it was because I was worried about what my father would think. Looking back I realize what a waste of time it was to think that way. Then again, we need to understand as adults how much power we have over kids’ choices, even if we’re not saying things directly to them. They hear everything and they pick up on our most subtle behaviors.
Oh, this does remind me of a story. My husband and I sometimes go to Civil War reenactments and I usually get at least one woman who gives me a pitying look, assuming that my husband dragged me there against my will(because all females hate that sort of thing. Maybe they think the canon blasts are too loud for our delicate ears or something.
I was also at a party once, where(guess what?), the men and the women segregated themselves into different areas(I can’t believe this still goes on in 2021). Anyway, I was sitting with the men and they were having an intellectually stimulating conversation about how the war affected our area specifically and the country as a whole, and how it still reverberates until this day. A woman there decided to help me “escape” from this conversation that I obviously couldn’t be interested in, and practically dragged me over to where the women were sitting, where I could listen to them talk about interior design, the price of certain groceries, and how often they cleaned their houses in a week. I wanted to scream. It was like something straight out the 1950s. I’m not interested in discussing domestic topics at length and it was just assumed that because I was because I’m female. I kept trying to listen in on the Civil War conversation….lol.
Love this story Maria! Been in similar situations lol
Hm, but why didn’t you make it clear that you were actually interested in the civil war discussion and really liked participating in it? Was appearing “normal” to the other women really more important (or at least better) than that? What was the disadvantage (or even penalty) for appearing otherwise?
Harald, it seems like an obvious choice to “just make it clear.” Not everyone feels they have the power to do that, especially when they feel there may be consequences in the future that will make life more difficult.
On the flip side, I think it would have been awesome if the Civil War group had pulled Maria back in and said, “Hey! We were talking with her!”
That would have been cool! I was much less confident and assertive back then and was afraid of offending my husband’s friends. Oh, and I didn’t mean to put down domestic pursuits in any way. I’ve just never been very domestic and I’ve been criticized for my lack of interest in cooking and cleaning. We actually hired a housecleaner who comes in twice a month because we both hate cleaning so much. Guess which one of us caught flak for that? My husband was told by a former co-worker that a married man shouldn’t need a housecleaner and that he needed to “set me straight.” Well, I guess my husband “set him straight” and luckily the co-worker was transferred to another department(not because of my husband). Isn’t it amazing that this stuff still goes on? Of course, I live in central PA, which is a very conservative area.
Honestly, I was a coward at the time. Most of the people at the party were my husband’s friends and I barely knew them at the time, so I didn’t want to rock the boat. If it happened now I probably would politely tell them that I was enjoying the Civil War conversation.
I’ve had a RAFT of gender-role-based guidance in my life. As a boy, I enjoyed cooking and sewing with my mother and grandmother but they gently and repeatedly tried to steer me out of the kitchen/sewing area, most especially at holiday time when more family was around. But I *LIKE* cooking and sewing and all the gadgetry and kitchen/sewing drag (and still do, decades later). I also like (*the oft-manly-aligned) hand tools, tinkering, mechanics and their gadgetry and drag. : ) It’s hard to understand why these things get segmented by gender. In college, I danced ballet and took some heat for that, but didn’t care. And some of my female friends were heavily into football and wrestling and all sports. Good on them, but I couldn’t care less about sports even to this day.
I can’t name even a single pro player in ANY sport. But then… I know quite a bit about politics and cybersecurity and some of my buddies know nothing about either one! : ) Lastly… in my IT and InfoSecurity career path, percentage of female colleagues is SUPER low, but there is an increasing number of women going into security training, so maybe there’s hope yet?
You’ve hit on exactly the point of the article, JerrJenn. As multipotentialities, we’re interested in so many things, even some that seem like polar opposites. My wish is for people to feel free to pursue whatever interests their hearts desire, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.
As a child I was fond of a police car as a toy. But I was told cars are for boys, you have to look for dolls. Also I as a child I was thought to embroider, which I did not like at all. I was told, embroidering is good for girls. It is a shame if you cannot do that.
Thanks for sharing that, Johanna! I hope that one day you get your police car, if you still want one. 🙂
Great article D.J. Thank You!
My dreams of being a mechanic seemed out of reach when I was growing up. Girls just didn’t do that, and even the subjects I needed to take at school to take that path weren’t available to me.
I got my mechanical fix from becoming a piano tuner and technician. Although most clients were accepting, there were a few who shut their doors simply because I didn’t fit the piano tuner stereotype (older white man or son of older white man) and they didn’t mind pointing that out.
I’m proud to report my daughter (18YO) is a green keeper at a golf course and my son (11 YO) is a serious ballet student. Some things have changed, but some haven’t. I’m happy I can give my children my support and understanding. These conversations are so important.
Thank you, Nada. That’s so awesome that you’re able to let your kids forge their own paths, and they are very lucky to have you as their parent.
I remember as a kid (late 80s to early 90s) I was being a “tomboy” because I had a firetruck toy that I loved. Baffles me looking back on it; and I’m pretty sure I also had dolls I liked, but that one “outlier” item was what people fixated on.
It’s amazing to me that we’re still dealing with these stereotypes. People sometimes have deeply inherited biases that they put onto kids without even realizing they’re doing it.
Yes, on many occasions people told me I was dressing myself as a boy or did activities that were not girl-like like climbing trees. I compensated by wearing my hair very long, because it really hurt that people wouldn’t accept me the way I was. I took it very personal at the time, even while I knew this was just gender-bias at work. At high school I did not feel any pressure and pursued the typical STEM courses because I excelled in those. When I studied, a lot of people, especially women, told me how hard it was what I was doing, and I told them nope for me this is easy. Fast forward to the current time and I am a chemical engineer with hobbies like gardening, horseback riding, and drawing. My husband loves cooking (I don’t) and he also likes building his own furniture and building model tanks. He told me that as a kid he liked knitting. We have two boys so most of the toys they get are biased towards boys, but at the daycare center they also play with dolls. I have no hope for the future as long as gendered toys bring more money to the owners of toy factories… because why would you sell an item once if you could sell it a second time in another colour?
Hi Fabienne,
On thing I’ve noticed since learning to code and meeting more devs is that gender is definitely not a factor in learning. Isn’t that awesome? That means that regardless of gender, at some point you’re going to bang your head against the keyboard and scream, “Why doesn’t it work???!!!!???”
I constantly get looks of amazement when out socializing and I ask for a whiskey or a beer. That’s what I like to drink. Also, I really enjoy watching competitive sports from gymnastics to rugby. If I profess to enjoying watching soccer or rugby it’s like I’m a freak of nature. Gymnastics, not so much, that’s an ok sport for a chick to watch. I’m personally highly competitive – though it doesn’t seem so much because I’m also a very nice person. Little do people realise sometimes that’s a tactic. I also love love love going to court and standing in front of the magistrate putting forward my client’s case. I’ve just started with criminal defence and although I feel totally lost still I’m loving it. Somehow, that’s still perceived as being a male person’s domain. I find it fascinating and take much glee in spoiling people’s perceptions!
My wife loves whiskey and beer, too!
I love that about being in front of the magistrate. I’ve spent a lot of time in courtrooms myself and it’s always fun to watch when a female attorney surprises opposing counsel because they underestimated her.
A further comment. Sometimes I’m reminded of how fortunate us kids were growing up with our parents because I never ever felt like I should limit myself to girly pursuits and I don’t believe my brothers ever felt that way either. My one brother knitted our dog a jersey for winter (and then unravelled the whole thing – in retrospect I suppose he got teased for it). This is the same brother who played first team rugby and got colours for swimming so a real ‘jock’ by society standards. My other brother and I joke that he is much more ‘female’ in that he likes to talk and I am much more ‘male’ in that I am better organised. When it comes to driving it’s like chalk and cheese. My brother drives slowly and cautiously. I, he tells me, zip in and out of traffic and basically scare the living daylights out of him half the time. He likes grocery shopping and goes almost every day. I, on the other hand, like to go do price comparisons and the like and can spend an enjoyable time comparing what is a better buy. I do loads of research before I buy anything mechanical or electronic – he often buys based on what the thing looks like. We laugh about it quite a bit as we do stay together. His kids are fortunate to have someone as a father who places absolutely no gender expectations on either of his kids, just as we didn’t have that kind of pressure put on us. Thanks Mom and Dad, we are well-adjusted in large part because of you!
All my hobbies are very female. I have always wanted to be a mum & I let myself start collecting doll’s before facing my internal gender questioning. I’m scared to be anything male because of my collection & wrongful perceptions of me being a pervert or a weirdo. I call myself demi gender because part of my heart & impulses & instincts still feel female, but I very much want to be physically male. I’m 42 & a lifelong wheelchair user in the uk