Dear Puttylike reader, this is a classic Puttylike post. Meaning, it’s from the early days–from before I really found my voice or knew what I was doing. I’ve chosen to keep this post online for the benefit of Puttylike readers who have worked their way backward through the archives. And also to highlight the fact that everybody starts somewhere! xo, Emilie
**
The other day another blogger published a beautiful post, in which she came out publicly on her blog.
I mentioned on Twitter that it’s a post I wish I had written. Well, not the exact same post – everyone’s experiences are different – but something that brings my online self into “philosophical alignment” the way my physical self is, and has been for a few years now.
This is an issue I’ve wondered about for some time– is the blogosphere a safe space to be openly queer?
Dominated by straight white (socially progressive) males?
One of the first things I noticed in the lifestyle design community, is that most of the big name bloggers tend to be straight, white males. Now, this isn’t really all that surprising. It sort of mirrors- well, everything else in our society.
Even most of the female bloggers I encountered appeared to be openly straight, often referencing their husbands on their About page (not a criticism, just an observation). All to say, I was a little unsure about whether it was safe to be open. No sexual minorities seemed to be represented at all.
Yet as I learned more about my peers (many of whom I now consider friends), I realized just how progressive and enlightened these particular ‘straight white males’ tend to be. Check out some examples here, here, and here.
Maybe it’s something about valuing choice, freedom, rejecting the status quo and embracing the pursuit of ones own path. It makes sense that 20-somethings who are into unconventional life design would also be proponents of human rights, sexual freedom, and the like.
Nevertheless, it was a pleasant surprise. Even if the queer community is not yet adequately represented in the blogosphere, at least we know we’ve got allies.
How transparent should a blogger be?
I like being totally open on my blog, at least about the particular topics I choose to write about. The thing is, I don’t write about relationships on the blog. I’m not saying it won’t ever come up in some form, but it’s just not my focus.
So why is my sexuality relevant? Moreover, should I even have to come out? People shouldn’t be presuming me to be straight in the first place. If they do, isn’t that be their problem? Their bias?
I’m not sure.
It’s tricky as a ‘public figure’, establishing where to draw the public/private line. I don’t want to hide who I am because I wouldn’t want anybody to think that I’m ashamed– I’m not. But at the same time, I don’t want to be pigeonholed as a queer blogger either. That’s not all that I am and it’s not relevant to my ability as a writer.
But as irrelevant as it is (or should be), sexual orientation is about more than who you sleep with. Being queer is a big part of who I am as a person and how I look at the world. And although people shouldn’t presume anybody to be straight (or gay), it happens. There are many more straight people in the world, so even well-meaning people often just assume that you’re straight until they hear otherwise. I wish this weren’t the case, but unfortunately it still seems to be.
Also, lets be honest. I don’t want any homophobes reading my blog. They should know so that they can go away. And if coming out means that I lose readers, then I’m glad. Those are not my people… our people.
People will pigeonhole others for the most ridiculous things, never even mind sexuality. Being you is the most valuable asset you have, Emilie. Because you can never be replicated. And if people don’t accept it, that’s their issue, not yours. You just create and keep on doing what you’re doing. The world needs you.
Hi Nina,
You’re absolutely right. People will judge and criticize and there’s no point trying to stop them. Just gotta do your thing and not worry about what others think. They’re only hurting themselves anyway.
Thanks for the comment and for inspiring this post. (And welcome to the LGBTQ community! 🙂
Totally agree with Nina.
I for my part don’t care if the blogosphere is safe, I’ve seen too much fear and oppression to be concerned with such things anymore. However, whether to come out, and how, and to what degree, is a decision everyone has to make for themselves. As you said, drawing that public/private line isn’t always easy, and it’s a highly personal thing, too, so it’s nothing people should be judged by.
Yup, good point Lex. I take issue with the whole yanking people out of the closet thing too. I think we should all be open, but the extent and timing of that is a personal choice. It helps though, knowing that there are others who are already out or are openly gay-friendly. That makes it easier.
By the way, your art is totally dark and brilliant! It’s awesome.
Thank you! 🙂
Hey Emilie, kudos to you for writing this post. I’m one of those straight white males, and your courage makes me want to come back to your site many many times.
I think and hope that the number of homophobes, haters, and other shitheads are on the wane. They’ll never go away, but maybe in our lifetime they’ll become entirely irrelevant.
Assumptions are funny things. When I meet people and tell them I’m from Appalachia/West Virginia, they usually say ‘but you don’t sound like a hillbilly.’ Or they crack incest jokes. Whatever.
But then I wow them with my wit, charm, and humility 😉
As Nina said, you and your voice and the things you create are what matters most, not what anyone else thinks.
Seth – I like your blog theme. Really nice, clean, and easy to read.
Oh and I too like your blog Seth. I may just have to test out some of those freelance writing techniques…
Thanks Seth! I’m always happy to have one more straight white male from West Virginia hanging around. 🙂
One of my best friends (who happens to be straight) once said to me that she thinks in the future people will look back on this time and think “what was wrong with them?” Sort of like the way people look back now at the racism in the early 20th century.
But yeah, hopefully within our lifetime they’ll “become entirely irrelevant”. I think it’ll happen.
Emily – Good for you for writing this! There is a fine line that we walk in the blogosphere with being open and not sharing too much information. But I think that something as central to who you are as who you are attracted to shouldn’t have to be hidden.
I think that the world is a lot more socially liberal than it was just a few years ago. And, from my experience, the LD/LIP community is even more progressive than society as a whole. I don’t foresee you being pigeonholed as a “queer blogger” any more than I would be as a “straight blogger”.
But anyway, I think you made the right choice in writing this post. Anyone that is turned off by this facet of you wasn’t your “right people” to begin with, and probably wasn’t someone that you wanted around.
Thanks Trever. I agree completely. I feel like this was a post I had to write. It sort of wrote itself actually. But I think the most important writing we do tends to feel like that.
Thanks for the comment and the support. You’re awesome and I can’t wait to party with you in Portland!
Emily – very interesting post. Even as a straight white male blogger — who is middle aged too boot (46) — I have struggled with just how much of myself to put out there. After being “on the net” for the last 17 years, I already have a massive internet footprint, but still I wonder how much personal stuff to write. Also, how much is even interesting to write about, eh? Of course, mine isn’t a lifestyle design blog…just an old skateboarder writing stuff and posting videos.
I think there are some right wing conservative wacko bloggers out there. Screw them!
Hey Bob,
It’s definitely a tricky issue. I mean some of the comments you read on YouTube are SO brutal! No one wants to have to deal with stuff like that.
My experience so far has been almost entirely positive though. In fact, taking risks and putting yourself out there seems to be precisely what most of the big bloggers have done at one time or another. Actually most of my favourite bloggers piss people off regularly by being bold and honest.
The thing is, no matter what kind of detractors swing by their sites, they have way more raving fans who appreciate their strong opinions and unique perspective. So yeah, I think it’s better to air on the side of revealing too much as opposed too being cautious. But it always is a little tricky to balance.
Thanks for the nice comment Bob.
It cracks me up when someone takes the time to “dislike” one of my 90 second skate vids on youtube! hahaha.
haha that’s hilarious!
Seriously, what kind of asshole does that? hahaaha.
Emilie I don’t think you have much to worry about. Sure there will be jerks, but jerks are everywhere. I haven’t been in the blogging world long, but I noticed there are a lot of intelligent and open-minded people in the blogosphere. Be yourself, because we all love you that way 🙂
🙂 Thanks Angela.
Authenticity = transparency = credibility
You will attract exactly the right readers and your tribe will end up being stronger because of your authenticity! Follow your soul, your passion and there is no reason to worry about being pigeon holed, because only you can be you!
Lora
PS – I love your ebook cover 🙂
Well said, Lora. And thank you!
That line of where to draw between private and public life can be tricky with any issue. Writing like this is great because then you feel good about what your representing because it’s actually you. Putting a filter and trying to project something different just doesn’t feel right. No matter what, there will be haters. If you write about baking bread, someone will send you a hate letter. “How dare you post about making rye bread! Baking sucks and blah blah.” Let the haters hate and then click away. Your real audience and people that identify with you, your personality, beliefs, and message will stay.
Definitely. My friend is really involved in the knitting community online and she tells me about all kinds of drama. Like people getting pissed off when others modify their patterns. It sounds like there are different groups of waring knitting gangs online! lol…
So yeah, you’re right. You can find haters anywhere.
Thanks Mark!
“Knitting gangs” That just cracks me up 🙂 Watch out for drive by yarnings…
OMG can someone please make a short vid or animation of that?
Good for you! The straight white male domination only changes if other people join the conversation. We need your voice!
(I noticed the demographic imbalance, too–of the blogs I read, not only are most written by white males, most are written by white males in their mid-30s! I think that is really weird!)
Thanks Cara! I thought about this too. Nina’s post was the push I needed to help me write this post. It felt like the right time, ya know? Anyway, hopefully I’ll inspire other bloggers to come out of the woodwork (or err I guess ‘closet’ is a more appropriate term in this context.. heh).
Thanks for the comment!
By the way – this is exactly why you should NOT turn comments off on your blog.
If I dig your writing then I come back and read more. If I don’t, I don’t… I probably won’t be back though. By the way, I dig what you do… you bring a much needed refreshing voice to the lifestyle design community.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for any one who isn’t afraid to reveal their true self… regardless of what that is.
To be totally honest, I assume people are straight until they tell me otherwise. Not because I’m biased, or have any problem with people who aren’t. Maybe it’s the “Straight White (Socially Conscious) Male” in me… I don’t know.
Awesome is awesome, douches are douches… no matter what group they happen to fall in.
I guess I am biased… towards the awesome.
Keep rockin it out!
Haha “biased towards the awesome”.. Right on.
It doesn’t really bother me when people assume me to be straight, as long as they’re not shocked or offended when they hear otherwise. As long as we feel safe being ourselves, that’s really what matters.
And thanks! Your articles always stand out for me as well.
Take it easy Nick.
This is a great post Emilie – it’s something I’ve struggled with myself. I get totally stuck because I am married (to a dude), but we’ve talked quite a bit about opening our marriage/becoming polyamorous (whatever phrase you want to use) & when that’s the case, I’ll be dating girls. Aaaand I have no idea how to broach the topic on my blog – not just because I’ve never really “come out” as bi anywhere (I mean, I’ve mentioned it in passing, but not a big dramatic coming out), but the poly thing seems like it could draw trolls too, and then there’s the fact that my mom and grandma both read my blog (oh the joys of having internet savvy relatives) and I have no idea how they’d deal with it. Either part of it. So I’m not sure where to go – because I want the things that are a big part of my life to be known to my readers, just because I don’t like feeling like I’m hiding things. It’s kind of a tangly mess, isn’t it?
Anyways though, thanks for this post, I really liked it 🙂
Ah yeah, that’s tough!
The whole poly thing is hard to be open about. Most people really don’t understand it, or haven’t heard the term at all. There’s definitely a huge stigma there.
Are you out to your family about being bi? That might make it easier to drop in a female pronoun here and there if you start dating a girl. But of course that might confuse your readers if you haven’t come out explicitly as being poly. But then again, if they’re confused, that’s sort of their problem… Sort of. Still, yeah. Difficult situation.
You just reminded me that there’s a new Savage Love episode out today. (It’s Tuesday– yey!)
Thanks for sharing Michelle. Really interesting.
There is such a huge variety of gender and sexuality identities that are taken a variety of different ways by different readers. In my personal life, I know I’ve even offended people when I’ve said I see nothing wrong about polyamorous people or the LGBT community…much less admitting how I identify. I actually use it as a “screening method” to people I date…but I’m honestly getting tired of people that can’t wrap their head around the fact that my definitions of love aren’t as tightly constructed as theirs are.
Needless to say- no matter how you identify, you aren’t alone. All of us, no matter how we live our lives, who we love, and the people we support- struggle with disclosure.
Awesome reply Ruby, thanks!
I love that you use that kind of reaction as a “screening method”. I think that’s awesome. 🙂
Inspiring & empowering, on the same path. Reading all this affirms my vague notion that being a renaissance soul must somehow be something that extends beyond interests, passions in the work and “hobby” sphere, but is fundamental in all areas of life, including a broader appreciation on the love and relationship menu. Starts to feel totally true and logical to me, and to my husband, we are changing our agreements, still difficult to express and create this in the world around is, even when I share this with open-minded close friends in the Netherlands and here in USA. (although I grew up in a very liberal environment and have felt overwhelmed by that as a child – it’s a fine line) Feel somewhat isolated – too suburban.
Good for you Emilie! I really feel blessed to have even found your blog, to say nothing of the fact that you’ve made some room for me in your quickly growing circle of friends.
I love how consistently authentic your writing voice is. Though this does raise certain questions… I know a lot of amazing women, and maybe half of them are multipotentialites. Only one of those multipotentialites is straight however. I wonder why that is?
Hey, that’s an interesting observation.
Maybe multipotentiality tends to extend beyond intellectual areas as far as variety in interests go. Who knows. That’s probably jumping to conclusions, but it’s an interesting thought nevertheless.
Hm that is interesting, James.
I haven’t really noticed that myself. Most of the multipotentialites who have emailed me have been straight, as far as I can tell.
But I do think that once you’ve turned your back on one type of normativity, it makes it easier to reject other aspects of the status quo. Or maybe it’s just that once you accept who you are on such a personal level, it’s easier to do it in other areas of your life. So like, it’s easier to ‘come out’ as a scanner and embrace how awesome that is after you’ve come out as queer?
I’m not sure. It’s very interesting though.
You’ve gotta introduce me to some of your friends when I come to Seattle James! hee hee
It’s a tough decision on how much of your personal life you want to give to your blog.
For me I did say I left a boyfriend because it was relevant to my story and while I’m very open about emotional experiences on the road I never discuss my relationships. It’s the one thing I want to keep private.
If you’re comfortable with that discussion go for it but I wouldn’t judge anyone for keeping that information to themself.
Course not– nobody’s judging. It’s a personal decision for everyone.
I don’t talk about relationships on my blog either. But I think coming out is about more than relationships. Like for me anyway, it felt like if I ever DID want to drop a female pronoun at all in any context, I wouldn’t be able to. Or at least I’d be nervous about it.
It just feels safer now. Like I could write about leaving a girlfriend in the context of a story the way you did, without worrying about the reaction. It’s no big deal now.
But it’s like Lex said above, the extent to which you come out and how you do it are personal decisions. Same goes for how much any blogger (straight or queer) feels comfortable revealing.
Way to go, Emilie! When it comes to personal information, deciding what to (and not to) include in one’s blog is difficult. Each individual is going to draw that line in a different place. I can fully understand you not wanting homophobes as your reading audience. If someone can’t see your content for what it is, and you for who you are, then you are totally right . . . you don’t want them around. Kudos to you, girl!
Aw thanks Mark! Yeah that was a big part of me wanting to come out on the blog. While I wanted to be open with my readers certainly, I think my motivation was more about filtering out the jerks. Hopefully they’re gone now (if they were ever here to begin with).
Thanks buddy. 🙂
Hey Emilie! I tried to comment last night, but it never went through so I’m trying again now!
I think the blogging community is very safe for GLBT people. Most people seem to have very open minds. In fact, there are actually so many bisexual polyamorous folk that I’ve started to wonder if I’ll be discriminated against because I’m straight and only want to sleep with my long-time girlfriend!
I think we live in a world where people of all sexual orientations feel the burn of stupid gender stereotypes as we grow up. And a lot of bloggers especially seem to gravitate to the web as a place to fit in. I don’t think you have to worry at all about being open about yourself.
Heh I have a friend who’s straight, in a long term monogamous relationship and she hangs out with actors all day long… She’s mentioned how she’s felt like she had to come out as straight in the past. This always makes me smile.
Good point about the blogosphere. The internet does seem to be a sort of safe haven as well as a place to connect with like minded people. There are all kinds of douchebags online too though, but thankfully they have their own communities to hang around in.
Thanks for the comment Chase!
I have felt the same way. From comments to actual posts about freelancing or lifestyle design, I find the info useful and honest posts inspiring, and I’m a “housewife” – totally feel like a minority. Most blogs geared toward my demographic are for clipping coupons or decorating. I am starting to find what works for me, and I don’t care how the author choses to live their personal life.
Cheers to your authenticity!
Oh yeah, I can imagine. Some of those “housewife” blogs are incredibly lame! Haha.. You’re way cooler than that, Holli. 🙂
Oh yeah, I can imagine. Some of those “housewife” blogs are incredibly lame! Haha.. Keep doing your thing, Holli. 🙂
Hey Emilie!
Well I first want to say that I think it’s really cool you write with such authenticity. I know that there’s a line to be drawn with how personal we get on our blogs, but I really enjoy it when people share the things that show who they are at their root and core – this is who I am, this is what I’m about, this is what makes ME, ME. Reading about the lessons based on the stories that spring from or affect our root are what inspire me and teach me the most personally.
I mean, w/ this topic, gay, straight, in the middle, whatever of course it isn’t the defining thing about a person, but its a big part of our lives who makes the butterflies fly around in our stomach, ya know?
Whether it be an experience, way of life, hope or dream or goal, or as in this case who gives us butterflies, I think it is truly valuable to share with readers the personal side of things. Especially because other people with similar experiences and characteristics may be unsure about it themselves, and could use the inspiration, ya know?
My best friend in the entire world is gay and after knowing him for over half of my life he is just starting to accept that it’s just who he is and is starting to be open about it. And its really cool to see, because its obvious how much happier he is now that he’s finally embracing it rather than fighting it.
Anyway, long ass comment alert! haha.
Thanks for sharing Emilie!
Hey Lauren,
Aw thank you! I love the way you phrase it- the people who “gives us butterflies”… That’s exactly it. And that’s the stuff that makes us human and brings us together too. I mean, we all feel butterflies for somebody. We all know what that is.
I’m happy to hear about your friend. Once you accept who you are in that area, it makes it much easier to accept who you are in other areas too. It’s really something that needs to happen before you can morph into the person you’re meant to be, ya know? Anyway, your friend is really lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive best friend!
Thanks Laur. 🙂
Hey Emilie,
I think this is a great post. I think your last paragraph is a great sum up – if people are homophobes, they may not hang around to read more, but hey, who cares?
One thing I have really noticed about the experiences I’ve had reading blogs or using Twitter is that the best bloggers or tweeters, and the ones who use it most effectively, are those people who are excited about the fact that they can meet all kinds of people, and traditional barriers to friendship (age or whatever) don’t exist. I guess partly because you can give an online first impression which can be whatever you want it to be, but often it’s a gorgeous representation of whoever you are – the best bits, especially with bloggers, the things you are passionate about rather than the fact that you are a particular class or background or ‘type’!
The people who embrace that freedom – that is, to be able meet new and interesting people, – seem to be the most lovely people I’ve come across anyway, so I think the post was a good move!
Really great point Claire. I think that lifestyle designers in particular tend to believe that it’s the choices you make that define you, not class, background, etc. And yeah, it’s like you said, passion is everything in this community. Everyone’s so dream-oriented. Those are the things that matter.
Thanks for the comment. 🙂
And of course there’s the fact that Martha Beck, the brilliant life coach and writer, is openly queer. So you’re in good company!
I hadn’t heard of her till you posted this, but she looks very cool. I’ll check out her stuff. Thanks Rose!
Just reading over this post again.
I got into a really messy relationship with a girl last year, and I was pretty afraid of what she would say about me if I ever mentioned our relationship in a negative light.
But, seeing the courage that you and other bloggers have had to come out publicly… it really gives me an element of comfort.
I want to be able to say “Hey, that relationship sucked. Really bad. But it doesn’t make me any less proud of who I am.”
And I think I can.
Awesome! Go for it.
Do you have a blog Annie?
Thank you for coming out, Emilie!
As a 51-year-old white lesbian blogger, I’m committed to being myself. I’ve mentioned my partner in a couple of posts, but haven’t yet posted yet about being a lesbian. If I feel like it, I will.
And, hmm, the blogosphere does not just consist of 20-somethings!
All of our voices need to be heard!
Hi Do Mi,
Thank you!
And yes indeed, our voices do need to be heard. Go for it. As Ruby mentioned below, the response to this post was the most beautiful thing about it. It really blew me away. I was so nervous hitting publish that day, but it turned out I had nothing worry about. Such a wonderful community. 🙂
The post was great- but the comments were just as good! I really enjoyed reading the feedback! To all the bloggers, you rock!
Agreed!!!!!!
Hey Emilie,
Your post reminds of many years ago when I used to live in Eugene, Oregon, at a time with a group of radical right-wing Christians there were trying to pass a ballot measure that would have made it legal to fire teachers and other public employees for their sexual orientation. It was a scary time to live in Oregon if you were queer, as I was (and am). I remember feeling afraid to put a picture of myself and my partner on the desk in my office. Such a simple act — and one that straight folks take for granted — and yet so laden with potential danger, given the context of that time.
Flash to now… very intentionally, I am “out” on the About page of my own blog. The reason for that is the focus of the blog itself — living a liberated life. Over the years, I’ve come to learn that if I have to hide any part of myself, I am not free. And what I feel most passionate about is supporting others to live out of the fullness of themselves as well, not out of fear. That fear takes all kinds of forms, and one of them is homophobia both external and internal.
While my sexual orientation is by no means all of who I am, it is definitely an important part of who I am, and I want to be able to live in a world where eventually there is no reason to fear sharing that, like any other ‘straight’ person could do. Until then, I’ll just live “as if” we’re in that world now and break out of my own fears.
Hi Maia! I’m a Eugenian too! We were quite new in town, and I had been out about five years, when Measure 9 hit us. It was SO scary. My partner and I joined the lesbian chorus for support but were afraid to get on stage. I dealt by working on the campaign (I ran the phone tree for No on 9–don’t know if you were involved!)
Ironically, although I felt battered by the continuing public displays of hatred for me, I also discovered how many straight people, churches, groups were supportive. The hatred brought the love out into the open.
I’m so far out now I can’t remember where the closet is. Just part of who I am. Hurray for breaking out of fears!
I never made big fuzz over being gay. No coming out post or anything. But if I talk about a boyfriend then I talk about a boyfriend. Frequent readers of my blog should have figured out that I’m gay.
But it has become so normal to me by now that I don’t think it’s necessary to mention it. Plus, I think the more normal you treat your sexuality, the more normal people take it. I love men. I have/had boyfriends. Cool. I don’t feel the need to have a big coming out on my blog. Simply because interested people get it anyway. Also I think talking about “my boyfriend” makes the entire thing more human. It’s about loving a person, whilest “I’m gay” by far more categorizing is.
Being gay is not a lifestyle in my eyes. I just love humans of the same sex. I don’t think it’s worth the fuzz. In fact, I think that the fuzz is very often the reason for the hatred…
But yeah cool. Are there any male gay bloggers besides me? I know two girls now but no guys xD
I love to see people that are their 112% TRUE AWESOME self… ALL THE TIME…
Good for you…
My favorite part is that you told homophobes to LEAVE the blog hhahahha…. I need to find a post to say the same on mine, I like that!
Surfs up,
To world wide open mindedness… We are all human!
Yea! Thanks man. I love seeing people open up too.
And yup, the homophobes can hit the road. No tears lost over here.
Tyler Terveroon did a similar thing with his “16 Reasons to Unsubscribe” post. He was like, this is what I believe and if you disagree, you can leave. Heh. I figure it’s always better to have a small community of your people, than a big community of people who aren’t right for you.
and by “your people”, I mean those rad, like-minded folk who get what you’re about and share similar beliefs.
Hi Emilie
I just came across this post, and well, what can I say, but thank you. I am queer myself and getting into the blogosphere as I type, working on my blog these days (with your help and book as you know!) and the issue has definitely crossed my mind.
I totally support your point of not wanting homophobes in your crowd of people anyway, so might as well be open about it. I for myself only really care about the ones that accept and heart people the way they are not matter what sexual orientation, skin color or religious belief.
Thanks for giving a couple of lovely blogger examples. These guys are definitely on my blogs to follow. However, I do wish there would be more of us or like you. Any chance you think we might have missed them? I guess with some of them you can’t be sure, and many aren’t open about it on their blog. Well maybe we should start a tribe of awesome queer bloggers. 😉
“But as irrelevant as it is (or should be), sexual orientation is about more than who you sleep with. Being queer is a big part of who I am as a person and how I look at the world.” – Thanks for saying that. We’re totally on the same page. Let me know if you come back to Europe one day and we’ll go for a drink.
I’m a lesbian and although I’ve never made a big announcement about it on my blog, I am open about it when I mention personal stories.
For me, being queer is a big part of who I am, but it’s not as important to me that I announce it to the world now that I’m 31 vs. when I was younger. Probably because I’m more secure in who I am and my place in the world. I don’t need to “wear” my gayness. Of course, that may also be because I *look* quite gay!
Glad I found another queer blogger — female, too! YAY!
We are all the same regardless of orientation. I look back to Shakespeare, “Do we not all bleed if cut” (well, apologies to Will).
There is a fear in many who have been reared to see different others as harmful. hopefully newer generations will come to see others as merely others and neither harmful nor better/less than.
Perhaps we’ll always contend with the “mightous rightous”, but slowly the world can change.
Keep up your shining example!
Awesome site, thanks so much Emilie for letting your light shine.
There comes a point that we realize that we’re all looking for something more, and crass social definitions pertaining to heavy definitions like sexuality need no longer apply.
I remember when a few years after my dad left mom he resurfaced, and it coined in my mind the phrase ‘Bob and Dad’, that I’ve come to cherish, and think is a good one that could apply to alot of folks.
Regardless, I have enough multi-potent to have had my own experimental phases (and this is on a personal, much less, prefessional level. When you can master this idea professionally its total FTW) and to have found myself as a result. But there really isnt a socially accepted definition for guys like me.
The idea of gay v staight is so mute. Every soul is dynamic, and as such we’re all a part of this dynamic process, the leverage of heavy terms is totally antiquated.
We all know that we love…well…Love. We all love ‘loving’ and being loved in return. This happens everyday, even to the clerk that recognizes you at the corner store.
So as a not-totally-straight-but-not-really-at-all-gay-man I am so happy that you’ve opened this forum for the idea of true success as a knowing person, that there is a larger beauty of which we can all participate.
Why must we as Americans choose between only 2 political parties? Why must we as humans choose between 2 genders? 2 sexualities?
Why always the choice of only 2 when there are infinite possibilities?
None of them make sense, which is why we all walk our own roads. Its fucking great to have come across you and your community.
In the meantime, I have a wonderful loving wife and 3 kids to which I have the chance to offer what I think are the better parts of humanity.
Thanks and Cheers,
J-dawg
I LOVE THIS POST. Yesss straight white males seem to be very prominent in the blogosphere, as is in, well, life.
I actually found this post via a trackback from one of those straight white males.
You rock.
(Fyi, I write in the digital world and I identify as a woman but I do not identify as straight. Or queer. Or anything, really. I’m just… me. :))
Thank you Sui! Since writing this post, I have discovered a few more non-straight-male bloggers whom I adore. Or I guess that was one of the benefits of me “coming out” on my blog. They found me. 🙂
So nice to meet you. And yeah, everyone should be free to identify as they wish. “Just me” totally works.
I love this post too, Emilie. I’ve had gay friends and don’t really think much about it. I live in the south, where it is a bit more dangerous than most places to announce your gayness. But I used to live in Phoenix, where the high schools have a gay hall, where gays hang out, and a greaser hall, and a goth hall. It is so taken for granted no one bothers much about it.
I wish I were as comfortable in my skin as you seem to be. And I am a straight white guy. I struggle with how much of me to expose online. I think I err on the bland side, thinking there is just not that much interesting about me.
I like that you make yourself so knowable on here. Makes me feel like we’re friends. I guess I think of myself as a Multipotentialite too.
Thank you Steve. You sound like an interesting guy to me! It’s not always about being a minority. In my opinion, it’s our ideas that make us interesting. The key is really allowing that individuality to shine through– to feature it, rather than hide it.
I do think that maybe coming out as queer makes it easier to “come out” (be open) about other things though. It’s like other things just aren’t as big of a deal compared to coming out, and you’ve already done that, so.
Thanks for the comment. 🙂
I appreciate and value your authenticity, the alignment and congruence of your writing voice and for showing up – BIG time. People like you (me) (us) make this world a better place to be part of.
“big name bloggers tend to be straight, white males”
I would add to that: North American and Gen Y (with a few Xes thrown in).
Hi Emilie,
You don’t want homophobes reading your blog…. but do you believe it’s possible for people to change? I can think of at least one person in my family who has completely reversed their thinking about homosexuality within the past 15 years, and other members of my family who I would have once classified as racist who have DEFINITELY changed their minds about specific ethnic groups.
In the same vein, there are many people who believe homosexuality or gender identification exists on a spectrum that changes over time — do you think the same type of thinking could be applied to homophobia? Different degrees of homophobia? Is it fair to tell someone they are not welcome to read about ideas that are different than their own — or what about a homophobic person who feels really connected to your lifestyle design advice/ethos and doesn’t know that you identify as queer?
Somehow I found my way to this post and it addressed something that has been on my mind for a while now. Thank you for bringing it into the spotlight. I even chuckled about the referencing of husbands as I’ve noticed the same thing.
Maybe it’s easier for me to say, because I’m not exactly homo, just bi, but I don’t really find my sexuality as something I should either hide or scream out proudly. I’ve seen some blogs where you can just tell by the first look on their rainbowy design and warnings for homophobs to leave the page instantly, but I don’t write much about sexual things, relationships and stuff, so I never felt much need to come out, explain myself or something. Just sometimes, when my blogging community sets a Topic of a week and it’s something related to it, I write an article about how normal it all feels to me and how I don’t get that in this modern society these things are often still kinda tabu. Well, not exactly that, but there are people like homophobes, obviously, and people who are gays or lesbians and they hide it because they’re scared of what people would say.
I mean – why would anybody say anything? And if they did, why would I care about that? It’s like saying:”You wear green color? Omg I can’t be in the same room with you!”.
Especially when blogging, I tend to be very, veeery open when it’s relevant to the topic but in general, I just let it float 🙂 When somebody asks, yes, I’m attracted to women as well as men and I’m glad I am because it gives me twice as choice 😀 But I don’t really see it as reason to put a rainbow colours in my design. I believe lots of people do that because they are looking for a tag, for a word to describe them, for a category where they would fit, and maybe it’s even because they’re young multipods or searching people who don’t know much about themselves except for that they are queer. So they make it their “thing” and wrap their blogs around it.
I don’t know, just a theory. But sometimes I really saw blogs where I’d go like:”Why on Earth is this guy so obsessed with telling me he’s gay by his design, his logo and even a sitename like GayLand or something??”
P.S.: I can’t find Nina’s article, it gives me “Page not found” and even when I try to search for it within her site, it gives me nothing. Any ideas what am I doing wrong? 🙁
I think the honesty and openness here is even more attractive. Not everyone believes the same things on the topic of sexuality, but as you pointed out that is completely irrelevant to your posts. No matter what anybody thinks about your personal beliefs and preferences on the topic, you still have a lot more to offer than just that one aspect of your lifestyle.
I’m in Dubai at the moment where homosexuality is illegal. Lesbianism is something I think they don’t even have a word for. If they do, I haven’t heard it.
When I was 8, I wanted to marry a woman when I grew up. Later my hormones kicked in and nah, I like men. It is what it is.
Until I came to Dubai, which is the most liberal place you’ll find in the Middle East, I had only experienced “equal opportunities”. I’m not gay but I’m Indian, a minority group where prejudice can come in if it wants to.
Now I’m finding prejudice a lot more. Not against me necessarily, but just around. for example, it’s normal for job adverts to be specific about what nationalities can apply.
My point is that acceptance is a two way process. One is that your readers have to be “open-minded” enough to look beyond what may initially jar them. Second is that you have to build confidence about your right to be you.
Blog readers are either long-time readers who know your voice and have either guessed or don’t care. New blog readers and the infrequent ones don’t matter. Most of them won’t care either depending on the training they’ve had from the country they’ve been living in.
I’m writing from my expat perspective where the UK and US seriously don’t know how good we have it regarding acceptance. It can always get better I know… and it will, the more people who are honest and become role models with the value they add.
Some people will always see the queer before the value. Some people just see the value.
oops, sorry didn’t realise how long this reply had become!
I think the success of the blogger is linked to how transparent they really are… we (readers) want to know what its really like “out there” cause a lot of us are looking for support and inspiration based from “real” experiences. I noticed a couple of time while reading blogs that i didn’t really know if what i was reading came from a guy or form a girl… and it ended up really not mattering. The content remains the same. I believe that before and above anything else, we are people, brains, thoughts, creativeness, intelligence, feelings, emotions, experiences… do all these things have a gender or a sexual orientation? our blood,heart, brains and emotions are all the same…
I love it! I am so happy to find, like myself, a multipotential and queer person, who is successful at what he does! inspires me a lot, I hope to be able to find my point of union, and you certainly are an inspiration! Appreciate!